I can't believe it's been so long since we started trying to have a baby. Even a month seems long when you're trying to conceive a baby. If it doesn't happen you have to wait, hope and pray that it will the next and the next and the next. Its' a big rollercoaster of emotions. For us, it all worked out exactly how it was supposed to. We now have our little baby and being his mom completes what I felt was missing for so long. Today I'm sharing our entire journey on the blog, in hopes that it will help you with one of your silent struggles and seeing the hope at the end of that tunnel.

2-1-15

A word that crushes you 

emotionally and physically

month after a month.

A word that was used to talk about my body.

A word that I've been trying to get past for a while now.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

 "A mom." (I was that kid in elementary school.)

 Ever since I was little I knew that's what I wanted. In college, I studied child development. My career is in the development and preschool years. I am a lover of all children. In a crowd, I am drawn to the children. They are my favorite company to keep. 

Yet, right now, I am not able to have any of my own.

I know I'm young, you don't need to tell me... I have time blah blah.

This has been very hard. 

There are moments each month, where I just crumble. 

I curl into a little ball under my covers and cry out loud in my bed. 

When another friend/cousin/family member is pregnant. 

When I've seen my 50th baby bump of the day. 

I cry. 

It's heartbreaking to want something so bad, and finding out each month that it isn't happening. 

PJ holds me month after month as I cry. 

He is my anchor and my rock. 

He lets me be sad for the right amount of time & then picks me back up again, and off I go to work. 

Is it possible to think that there are SO many people out there facing silent heartache and trial? 

I have had to search my soul and hanging on so tight to my testimony of the gospel. 

On this heartbreaking journey of infertility, I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about my body, and about my relationships, I've learned the boundaries that some people do not have, and ones that I will respect the day I do become pregnant. I have mostly learned to have faith in God's plan and in His timing.

This has been challenging for me. At first, when faced with this trial, I kept thinking, why me? why hasn't it happened yet? why is my body failing me? Why is someone who doesn't even want kids getting pregnant without even trying, while I'm trying my heart out and want them more than anything. I thought about why a lot, but then I started to catch onto some of the why's as time unfolded.

There are things that I need to face and I need to go through in order to 

A. grow closer to my Savior 

B. grow as a person, a wife, a friend, a teacher

There have been pretty big blessings within this trial that wouldn't have happened without it. Sometimes our trials (like this one of waiting so long to get pregnant) are blessings in disguise. While it's happening we don't realize all the blessings, but then as life unfolds you can start to realize them. We have been able to find joy in having Duke join our family. We have been able to find joy in traveling, and making lasting friendships. We have found joy in each other, and in career changes.

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?

'Tis not so, all is right

Why should we think to earn a great reward,

If we now, shun the fight?

Gird up your loins, fresh courage take

Our God will never us forsake

And soon we'll have this tale to tell

All is well; all is well

Two lines stick out to me.

There are so many people going trough harder trials that me, so why should I think mine are so bad? Life is alright! And it really is, I love my life. I love my husband. I love my dog. I love my job. I love my friends. Life is alright!

Why should we think to earn a great reward, if we now shun the fight? I've realized I can't just ask for things if I'm not ready to work for it, and to sacrifice. I have been working for it. I have done everything I can at this point to work for it as far as it comes to doctors, blood tests, medications and research. But sometimes, the timing still isn't there. So now my goal is sacrifice more. Get to the temple more and study the gospel more.

It hasn't been 'til recently that I have found peace in this trial.

For almost of year of it, it's been a lot of turmoil and frustration.

I never lost my testimony that God loves me, 

but I didn't have complete faith that my body will be able to have a baby.

I felt very betrayed by my own body.

Now I feel at peace knowing that I will one day have a baby.

We might have to try many different things before we get to that point.

I have faith, unwavering faith. 

I know that I will have a baby.

It took me a LONG time to get to this point.

I always wanted to have faith, but before, I had doubts that it would happen.

Now, I know that it will. 

I just do not know when.

Heavenly Father is watching out for me.

That even though this is so hard, it will be so rewarding.

I know that it will take many tears, many prayers, fasting, visits to the temple, personal study and heartache. 

I found peace in the scriptures. Lately, I have been able to relate to specific instances in the scriptures that relate exactly to my situation. Not being able to have kids is nothing new. So many women, even anciently faced this trial. Elisabeth and Zacharias went through the burden of not being able to have kids for a long time. When they were old and Elisabeth was barren, they were blessed with the miracle of a son (Luke 1). In another scripture Rachel couldn't have kids, while her sister had many. It says, "and God remembered Rachel and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb" (Genesis 30:22). God remembered Rachel and Elisabeth and one day, he remembers me. "He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye Lord" (Psalms 113:9).

I found peace in the temple. Going through and doing initiatory work reminds me of the sacred promises that happen when I keep my covenants with the Lord. Going through an endowment sessions helps me think about eternal life, and motherhood as an eternal role. I will always be able to be a mother, no matter what happens in this life. 

I found peace in my patriarchal blessing. I will bear children.

I have to dig deep into my heart and soul each day, to keep this peace within, to trust in my imperfect body and in my Savior. Christ can strengthen our weaknesses. Miracles still happen everyday. He will heal me.

God will NEVER us forsake, 

Soon we'll have this tale to tell,

All is well, All is well.

"While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Joseph B. Worthlin

I can't wait for the day.

3-1-15

I was pretty sure that I was pregnant last month. I read Clomid fourth month success stories to try and get through that 14 day wait. I felt pregnant because I know exactly when I ovulated. I was getting heartburn, nausea, migraines. I was convinced.  About two days before, I realized my body was playing tricks on me. And sure enough, like clockwork Aunt Flo came.

I didn't cry when it happened.

It happened at work.

I know my body, so I knew that it was coming.

I prayed for so much strength that morning,

Knowing how scared I was that I'd fall apart in front of my class.

I put on my smile and I danced like a weirdo on the rug with my preschoolers.

I sure love the cute kiddos in my class.

They give me a reason to smile through the pain.

So does PJ, and Duke, and the gospel, and my family, friends and even silly things like food.

There is so much good in my life.

My world is rocked around day 31 of my cycle month after month.

It takes its toll on me emotionally and physically,

I get the worst anxiety two days before, the night before… and then the morning of…

Anxiety has been a struggle with me for years, but I have gotten really good at knowing my triggers and knowing how to get through it. I'm honestly amazed at my strength to get through it all without medication and with so much heart ache. I couldn't do it without my Savior and my incredible husband.

My anxiety is mostly in control, but when the day to find out if I'm pregnant or not is coming, I get really scared.

I think I'm most scared of falling apart on that day over and over.

And one day, I think I'm scared that it could to break me.

I have been completely rock bottom and hopeless before.

I had depression hit me really hard during my Sophomore year of college.

Along with anxiety & blood deficiencies, I was pretty low.

And I never want to go back to that place.

I have come a LONG way since then, but my anxiety is still a fight every day.

I can usually pull myself together pretty fast, at least for the public eye,

but each month that crack in my heart tears a little more.

I still have hope that it will happen.

I know it will. But it's hard.

I keep thinking. If this wasn't hard. If I didn't have this trial, then I wouldn't be growing and I wouldn't be relying on the enabling power of the atonement. We all have different trials and different blessings. Jesus Christ knows how I feel. He has bourne my griefs and carried my sorrows. He suffered more pain than imaginable. And He is the reason I can pull myself back together each time. He's is why I find reasons to smile and laugh every day. I'm a little bit broken inside, but He makes me whole.

4/2015

This month was my first IUI.

I did follicle check and had mature follicles on day 14, but not positive opk.

My PA is very considerate of how much everything costs, so he was hesitant to suggest my options,

so when I asked what the IDEAL treatment would be if money wasn't the issue,

he said a shot today, IUI tomorrow.

So they gave me an injection that same day. ($100 just for the shot)

The next day I went in for my first IUI.

For IUI, PJ brings his sperm in a cup.

The sperm is then washed by this MA from Bridgerland. There are apparently only two people in the valley who can wash sperm. She's not willing to train anyone because "job security." I hope in the future she trains more. She explained things very carefully to us. Apparently washing the sperm is like taking them out of milk and putting them in water. It allows them to move more freely.

Anyway, after she washed the sperm. They put a catheter in my vagina and inject the sperm into my uterus. My cervix didn't line up, and so there's some zig and some zag with the tube that is VERY painful. After a few failed attempts to get it through my cervix, they pulled out a bigger tube and said, this is going to hurt...

Well at that point I was crying with my whole body clenched tight, crying out loud in pain. PJ grabbed my hand and was trying to comfort me, but that pain was terrible. I have a VERY tight cervix. Which he said could be part of the problem. The pain continued the rest of the day, along with some light bleeding, but I felt like a new woman and hoped this would be a happy growing inside of me.

The weeks were long in between.

When I started my period I was numb.

It was PJ's birthday.

I tried not to think about it. 

I didn't even cry...

I wanted to be happy on that day, and I was.

I was brave and I put on my smile.

 A few days later, I burst with emotion.

Pj just held me in our bed as I cried. 

I feel broken inside.

And part of me is always worrying about the what-ifs.

Seeing adoption stories gives me hope.

A family in our ward just adopted their second baby.

I have so much love for their family and situation.

5/2015

This month has been hard.

I am in the middle of a cycle.

I went in for my second IUI after a rough week.

I got a follicle check on monday. My follicles were too small.

So we set the injection for the next day. 

And the IUI for two days after that.

I set up subs and everything with work. 

But every time people ask why I have all these appointments, I smudge the truth a little. That's hard on me. It is emotionally exhausting to keep up all this reasoning and over-explaining. when all I want to do is scream that I can't get pregnant and that's why I have to visit the doctor so much.

(I am going for migraines and this, so I really am seeing the dr. a lot)

I don't want people to know about my infertility because once they know, if they say the wrong thing I'm much more sensitive to hearing it. I am at a very weak point in all of this, and I can't have people saying the wrong thing. I just need to keep it private, and that way life stays a lot more gentle. I can't tell my family yet. Because when I do it'll become too real. Is this really happening to me???

After I set up all the subs and had PJ take the day off they called me.

It was after work on Tuesday. 

I had already paid over $100 for the injection and $50 for the follicle check.

$150 dollars in and they wanted to change the date on me.

Apparently something came up for the lady who washes the sperm.

TRAIN MORE PEOPLE LADY.

I lost it. I was irrational and so depressed in that moment.

I felt trapped like it was too late to back out of the IUI, but the timing wasn't ideal so why continue with it anyway. AND my PA was out of town so it was going to be with a woman I have heard nothing good about.

I cried and cried and cried. I haven't cried that much in a long time.

It seems to be the theme in all of this, but there are plenty of happy days in between.

I just couldn't believe that they did all of that to get me ready for the IUI and then weren't going to do it when they should've. We rescheduled for the day after, so two days after the shot on Thursday we did it. 

I was so depressed that night. I have been depressed before, so I knew the feeling all too well. My heart felt physically heavy. It hurt to think or to breathe. I told PJ how depressed I felt, and how I couldn't think of anything else. Nothing felt happy or hopeful to me. So I just snuggled with my little family-- of PJ and Duke, and cried. Depression is awful because no matter how much faith you have, you feel hopeless. Depression and anxiety that stems from it are the worst feelings. I am familiar with anxiety and I hate it. I do everything in my power to control it. But that Tuesday night I felt powerless to it all. I felt weak, vulnerable and so empty.

I woke up feeling much better. On my way to work I saw the bag to my prescription on the seat of the car. I read the side effects. The side effects were depression. I knew that since it hit me so hard and fast that night that it was not normal. Now I will know for the future what major effects that injection can have on me.

To my surprise, the other PA (who I didn't know and wasn't excited about doing it) wasn't able to do it when we were at the Women's Center on Thursday, so a DOCTOR walked in the room after we had been waiting for a while. I didn't know he was a doctor until I'm in the straddler, half naked with a tube inside me... in a lot of pain. He said, "have you been seeing a doctor as well while going through all of this" and I said, "no" then while wincing in pain said, "Are you a doctor?" It was funny because of the timing and the tone of my voice. Everyone chuckled then he told me he was. I was relieved and very eager and curious to hear what more he would say. He asked me many questions.

This IUI went lots better. It probably helped that I took 4 IB Profin before, but I was super anxious for that pain. It hurt. It hurt like a mother. But I did not cry. So I felt pretty awesome about that.

The person I have been seeing is a PA at the Women's Center. The ones I have been seeing have been doing everything right up to this point, he said. But he explained to me that with the things he's seeing in my situation, the thinks that there might be something else going on. He says its good that we have tried Clomid and IUI because in most cases that does the trick. After three IUIs, 50% of women are pregnant. However, if I am not pregnant this month or next, they're going to do surgery. 

"Laparoscopy is a surgery that uses a thin, lighted tube put through a cut (incision) in the belly to look at the abdominal organs or the female pelvic organs . Laparoscopy is used to find problems such as cysts, adhesions, fibroids , and infection. Tissue samples can be taken for biopsy through the tube (laparoscope)."

In this surgery they would also inject die to make sure my tubes are all clear and expand my uterus. He asked me a bunch of questions and thinks is a good possibility that I have endometriosis.

"Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region.

In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together.

Endometriosis can cause pain — sometimes severe — especially during your period. Fertility problems also may develop:"

Even though I may have a more serious cause of my infertility, I left the office feeling hopeful. I feel hopeful knowing they're going to do everything they can to figure out the cause of my infertility before taking more guesses.

I hope that I can get pregnant before the surgery, but if it comes to the point of surgery I am confident they will find the cause and hopefully the cure.

6-18-15

I went a day over this month. That hurt. I was feeling pretty hopeful. I started on 150 mg of clomid. The second day I went home from work early with unbearable pain in my stomach. I've never felt it before. 

I took ib profen and a bath and laid in my bed for hours. The pain eventually went away. The fda does not recommend the dose of drugs that I am on. That makes me worried. On the third day of the meds I became very depressed. I was so happy just two days before. Even after I started my period, that's how I know the meds are causing some major chemical imbalance. I felt so hopeless last night. I couldn't shake the feeling. Nothing was making me happy. Even stuff I was so happy about just the day before. Depression washed over me and pj held me while we cried.

I prayed about it. And I needed to get rid of that feeling. Depression scares me and I hate to feel that way. So I decide to not finish this round of clomid. Which was a really hard decision for me to make because its my last shot before surgery. And on 150mgs it could have been a perfect shot. 

I called my dr and I took the morning off. Now I'm just waiting to know if I screwed this whole month up. I hate that he might put me on meds cuz I'm not depressed on the weeks that I am not taking meds. But if the meds keep rocking my world it's gonna make me lose it. 

I hope this iui still has a good shot.

I ended up skipping the day on meds. Then taking one last dose the next day. I still got enough of it in me. Then I left work super sick Friday morning and laid on the couch all day. I doubled up on my does of nausea medicine. Then a few days later realized that I had the stomach flu. Pj got it two days later. Then that all made sense. 

What a terrible no good week. We managed to have a good time during it all though. We went to a temple sealing and took a day in slc.  

I went to the dr for my follicle check. I had one ready! It was finally on time. So I got an hcg shot that day. And did iui the next day. It wasn't too bad, very very painful but not as bad as the first time. 

I was really praying the little catheter would work. But he had to use the big one yet again. Pj held my hand and the dr. Kept asking if I was okay. I was in so much pain and kinda out of it in that moment that for some reason I said "yeee" instead of "yeah" so pj and I just started laughing. 

Laid there with my legs up 20 minutes then took the day easy. I felt bad I couldn't help Kylee move and I didn't really have an excuse for her either but I have to take the day easy when I get that done. 

Waited two weeks. Checked. Negative. 

I could feel my period coming full force. It started the day after the 14 day wait on day 31. I cried the night before because I knew it was coming. 

7-30-2015

When it actually started I had already gotten my tears out. I feel at peace with the upcoming surgery. I am a little scared for it. But I know it is what needs to happen. 

On June 25 I have a consult. 

I'm scared for how long this journey of infertility might be. Though I know I will be a mother one day. 

Day three of my cycle pain hit me around 3:00 pm. Sharp stabbing pain just like the pain last time. Only this time it was worse and lasted longer. We ended up at the er. I have never felt so much pain in my stomach. I was just can crying out "oh my gosh" over and over and rolling my body in my bed. We went to the hospital and it started to feel better. So we left. Then it started up again and so we committed and saw the dr. They ran all the tests. Did an ultra sound of my stomach and vaginally. There was some fluid in my right ovary. So a cyst could have burst??? But the pain was coming from right around my belly button. So painful. They gave me an iv and hooked me to monitors. With no diagnosis they sent me home. There's usually not a diagnosis for stomach pain. At least there was a helpful cure. The pain stayed gone and I'm here to live another day. It was brutal but starving pj day bored by my side for hours and we made it through. 

If I have endometriosis, it could explain this pain. Part of me hopes I do so that they can stop this pain from ever happening again. And because they can scrape it out and I could have kids!!! 

a few weeks in //

This month has been so nice.

So so nice NOT on any medication.

No hot flashes.

No depression.

No crazy mood swings. 

Counting my blessings for a little break from it all.

Surgery //

I went in for surgery. My period was days over due. I was hoping I was just pregnant. But had already gotten like 6 negative tests and could just tell I was not. I knew it's because I wasn't on the medication. 

Surgery was scary. I cried about to for weeks before. I was scared for the pain, the recovery & most importantly the results. If I had stage 4 endo then the next step would probably be hysterectomy which would be life shattering. 

I went in for surgery. They found nothing. Nothing. They shot dye through my tubes and cleared it all out. In case there was any small blockages. 

Recovery from laparoscopy was awesome. I did not take one narcotic. I lived on ib profin, Friday night lights, ice packs & heating pads. The day after surgery I went to Walmart and drove a cart. Then I was exhausted. So I took a nap. Later the day I sat poolside. 

My incisions hurt the first few days and my throat from the tube down it while I was under. Mostly what hurt was being filled up with all that gas & being constipated. 

That hurt bad. So day three was probably the worst. But by the weekend I was cleaning my house and going to parades and arcades. 

Monday back to work. 

Month 20 | Femara

I had started my period finally almost two full weeks late. It was the best period ever. Usually seven days and painful. This one was three and amazing. It was a miracle. Because according to my dr. Since he did isn't find anything the laparoscopy had nothing to do with it. 

I started femara (not clomid). And it was amazing. No side effects besides some scattered back pain. Which I can handle. I love femara. 

On day 14 my follicles weren't ready. But day 15 & 16 I got a positive opk. So j knew Sunday and Monday were the days I should be getting an iui. I went in Monday for another follicle check. He just found some stuff that showed I had ovulated. So we tried to do an iui that day. The freaking lady is gone. And so is the back up. 

I wish they could train more people!!!!!!

But this month could still happen and that would be amazing. We will see soon enough. 

Month 21 | Femara + IUI

Well. It didn't happen. Every month gets harder and harder emotionally. I can't believe this is happening to me!! Even when I started fertility mess I never ever thought I'd be considering Ivf. Ivf scares the heck out of me. And now I'm one or two iuis away from it. 

I ovulated day 14. It was perfect! We got the IUI on a Saturday. We were watching the jasper kiddos. I love those guys. They were a great distraction through it all. It made me want to be a mom even more!!

9-25-1

Then of course. Day 31. I started my period. It's getting so hard. It was Monday morning of course. My tears already came all weekend long cuz I was depressed and knew it was coming. So sucky just waiting to start again. So off to work I went. 

But I texted Dr. Richards at the Cache Valley Fertility Center and set up a consult. Ivf seems to be in our near future. First they'll run a few more tests to rule everything out. 

Month 22 | Cache Valley Fertilty Center

September 24. Blood tests & start  birth control. 

25. Sonahystogram  

The sonahystigram was one of the worst experiences of my life. So that was not awesome. They were the worst place ever. So glad I had to get this test done before I committed to put them close to ten grand and entrust them with getting me pregnant. Wow. 

First of all. Disorganized. 

second. Ghetto

No place for pj to be. No place for my stuff to be. No tissues in the room for after the procedure. No garbage can in sight. Ultrasound machine on a pile of cardboard boxes the dr could barely reach the stick thing. Then he puts it up there with my blood all over it.

Table so ghetto. Jiggling the whole thing to make it raise. Doesn't have white paper that they remove. Just like a dog pad on the end. Table leg straddled breaks off at the end. 

The scientist is acting as the nurse while there's a tube up my choch and into my uterus, yet has NO idea what he's doing. So the dr and scientist have awkward and annoyed tension. 

The water may or may not have been tap water. That he would fill up in a little cup from the other room then dump into this bowl. 

Nothing to get the liquid soaked up after. So I had to GO home and change my pants before work. By the time I got to my house (less than five minutes away) it looked like I wet my entire pants after drinking a whole gallon of water.

This all happened before 8:00 am. And we ran the heck out of there

So plan b. 

Adoption consult out. 6

Dr appt October 13

I did get low estradiol levels according to my own translation of results. So there might be something there. 

Month 22 | Reproductive Care Center | Dr. Swelstad

10-25-2015

I went to the Layton Reproductive Care Center. It was ten times better than the last place, just by walking in a seeing a receptionist. She had gathered all the information needed electronically BEFORE our visit. So we walked in and the doctor would be ready to see us.

He went over all our information with us. He talked about possible problems, statistics for unexplained infertility. Options! Without just jumping to the 10 grand, he explained we had one more options to try.

Dr. Swelstad was funny. We were so comfortable in his office. They had us apply to two grants, and we heard back from both that gave us 50% our prescriptions. He looked for ways we could save money, but still have success.

This is hands down the place to go if you need fertility care. I will recommend it to anyone.

The upcoming plan is:

Femara

FSH injections

Possible IUI

We will do this 1-2 times, and then we will move on to IVF depending on how it goes with the FSH.

11-2015

Month 23 was a bust. I was traveling for work, so I was out of town the time I ovulated. Super funny how that worked out, but I was very happy because they let me have Femara just to get me regular again. That way I wasn't waiting til who knows when to ovulate again or have a period. My cycles range from 28-51 days. And 51 day cycles are NOT fun. 

It was a great month to relax, not worry about anything invading my body and just vacation with my love. It's nice to take a break from it all every once in a while.

Month 24 | Adoption Paperwork & FSH, IUI, Femara, Trigger

We have been talking a lot about faith and trying to decide. Out of two great choices, with impossible risks to face on either end, which direction should we go. This experience of infertility is a true test of my faith. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. And in the beginning, I kept wondering WHY? Why ME!? I want kids more than anyone, then someone after a one night stand, can just be pregnant, but for me... all the stars in the sky have to align.

I was never angry with God, but I made the mistake of questioning His timing. As time went on, I was still sad, but I grew less bitter. I was able to be excited for pregnancies around me and be hopeful that my day would come one way or another. It was a test of my faith, because the desires of my heart was SO good, I prayed for it every day, wished on every birthday candle, hibernated every mother's day and just carried this silent trial with me through every day. 

Pj and I have had a great life together with tons of blessings. We made the best of our challenging time, but it was not off my mind for one single day... that I really wanted to be a mother.

Sometimes when the answer isn't clear, you have to take two steps forward in both directions and that's what we did.

With adoption we started our papers, looked into agencies, and finished a home study. We were later accepting by an Agency and were ready to find our match.

I was foot zoning, going to a chiropractor and receiveing acupuncture. I was taking Vitamins, eating guacamole and researching meditation and so much more. I was full force into the health of my body, ready to take on a month of crazy drugs and more procedures. We did it, we started with Femara. The normal dose, it wasn't bad. Then we started FSH injectables. Luckily our good friend did those shots for me because they went into my body as thick as molasses and I wouldn't have been able to do it myself. I cried giving Duke a shot once... and Pj wouldn't even attempt me... or Duke. 

I did three of those shots and then I did one more HCG trigger in my stomach.

Then a few days later I went in for an ultrasound, my follicles looked good so they sent my info to my Fertility specialist, Dr. Swelstad and he had me come in a few days later for my IUI.

The IUI procedure was amazing. PJ did his thing, then he usually stands by me while I cry out in massive pain as they shove "the big tube" in my stubborn cervix. Well, this lady was patient. She used the smaller catheter and was so gentle. I think the perfect timing of the IUI (not meaning it was exactly on my body's clock, but it was set up with such ease) and the painlessness went a LONG way. I guarantee my body didn't help with the other 3 IUI's cuz why wouldn't it try to fight off and reject the pain and stress it was under. This IUI was flawless, I was so impressed with Dr. Swelstad's office and their staff.

We waited relaxed over winter break and Christmas.

Then the day we arrive home, I took a test! And it was too early, but I did it anyway and I saw the faintest little line. I FREAKED OUT! PJ said, don't get your hopes up. I couldn't NOT. This was the first time out of 100's of tests that I saw even the slightest color. So I woke up at 5 AM the next morning and took two more! I was PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FREAKING PREGNANT! 

I didn't cry. I wanted to. But instead, I started dancing around the room. PJ was like did you have to do this in the middle of the night??? Why yes, yes I did! We were so happy we couldn't sleep. It was truly one of the best moments of my life.

I hope your day comes soon, if you are reading this.