Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents
Okay, this topic is a little bit personal, it's meaningful, it's something that I talk about with probably 40% of the parents that I work with; the topic is anxiety.
Anxiety Affects Me Personally
I was an anxious child, but I actually figured it out pretty well. There's a lot of anxiety that runs in my family; in college, I was diagnosed with anxiety, I kind of had like a panic attack situation and I take medication for anxiety. So I know all about anxiety, the ins, and outs, personal, I can see how it affects people. I see how panic attacks affect people and so that's what I'm going to talk about today is anxiety.
The book I will be referencing throughout is Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents by Reid Wilson, and Lynn Lyons. It helped me understand the cycle of anxiety so much more. My anxiety is to a point where I haven't had a panic attack in like years. Even when I thought I was dying of like brain cancer. (It was not brain cancer). Anyways, that was an anxious month but I think I had like one panic attack the entire month, which somebody with an anxiety disorder and panic attack disorder, that's actually pretty dang, freaking good.
So it's been a long time since mine has been kind of flared up, but it helped me to understand this is the process my body goes through when I'm in an anxious situation, there are some tools that I need if I feel anxious to get through it and it's so helpful.
My Child has Anxious Tendencies
I have a child who when he moves up in classes at church or when he goes to a new preschool or something like that, he needed constant reinsurance. If we get a new babysitter, if mom leaves for the night or something like that, he needed constant, constant, constant reassurance.
So when I read this book, it changed my life!
I see this happen time and time again with parents and kids is when a kid is anxious about a situation we usually remove that hurdle for them.
We Tend to Remove the Hurdle
So if they are super anxious, because one of their teachers gives a lot of homework or whatever, then maybe we'll remove them from the class or if they really just don't like the class after a couple of weeks, we remove them or if they hate the sport, we take them out or if they don't like going to practice, we say, okay, fine you're not going to go anymore. So we remove that hurdle from their life and it's not actually helpful for the anxiety. It's actually feeding the anxiety and I'm going to talk about that process in just a second. But first I just want to mention the book is called Anxious Kid, Anxious Parents and it is amazing.
This is going to be a very brief summary of some of the information in that book and I encourage you if any of this resonates, if you have an anxious child, if you're anxious yourself, if you know somebody parenting a child with anxiety, pick up this book and read it because it is amazing.
So first of all, let's just go right back into what I just barely said about we can't just remove the hurdle when anxiety is happening. So Charlie doesn't like preschool, great, fine, you don't have to go to preschool this year or, oh you don't want to go to school, okay, fine, stay home today. So then they stay home one day and the next day they go to preschool and they're like, no, I don't want to go and so it's then a constant fight because when they're anxious one day you let them stay home. Obviously, there are situations where a child needs to stay home for whatever reason, we're not going to go into that. But more times than not when our child is anxious about something, we remove the hurdle.
"Don't remove the hurdle, teach them to jump over it."
We need to help them learn the skills to jump over that hurdle.
Process vs. Content
So a lot of the anxieties that our children face, we focus so much on the content. So we focus on how to fix this specific problem. What do you hate about preschool? Oh, you don't like that Marcus gets you wet in line. Okay, I'll talk to Marcus's mom. Hey Marcus' mom, can you tell them; like it just gets so into this fixing the specific problem. You fixed that problem, then there's a new reason why preschool is hard or maybe Marcus did it again and you didn't stop that problem. You're so focused on the specific problem and reassuring them about that specific problem and what's hard about reassuring a kid, for example, if the reason why they're anxious about going to school is I'll use a personal example.
My Anxious 2nd Grade Year
When I was in second grade, I wouldn't ride the bus. I would not ride the bus and it's because I was pukaphobic and somebody threw up on the bus. I didn't tell anyone that's why I wasn't riding the bus, but I was so anxious. I would just get sick to my stomach at the end of the day, I'd go to the nurse, I'd say I have a stomach ache. They would call my mom. My mom would come to pick me up at the end of the day. So my mom's picking me up so she's removing that hurdle. Nobody knows why I won't ride the bus because I don't tell them. I actually had to go to counseling and they still never figured it out.
It's so funny to me because I was just an anxious mess about this bus. I loved school. I loved my friends. I actually loved the bus, but this kid, his name is Giovanni freaking threw up in front of me on the bus and I was like, no way, am I getting back on that bus, no way, because you're stuck in this trap and it stinks and I won't go into the gory details, but I just remember like plugging my ears and my nose and like huddling in fetal position. I was two seats back or maybe one seat back thinking that the throw up is going to come underneath the seat.
So then every time we had a field trip and had to ride the bus, I was anxious and I would ask whoever was sitting by me, are you bus sick? Do you get bus sick? Oh, this happened all the way through high school guys. Obviously, I rode the bus but my anxiety about the bus, I would get so sick to my stomach every time I knew like a filter was coming up because I'm like, if someone throws up the bus I'm done.
Anyways, so if we reassure a child; say my parents did find out that's why I was anxious. If we reassure a child and say, oh no, no, one's going to throw up on the bus today. That just happened that one time and then someone throws up on the bus then you are like, mom, you lied to me and so then anytime my mom tried to reassure me about anything ever again, I'm going to be like, I don't believe you because you don't know that. So it's not like helpful to my anxiety.
Actually, I'm thinking back, every single time my family would get the stomach flu my mom would do this and obviously she was doing the best that she could and we were freaking crazy. My sister and I were both crazy about the stomach flu. So she would say something like, no, it's just something they ate, this is not the stomach flu and then like, pretty soon everybody's throwing up. You're like, Mom, this is not something somebody ate, it's the stomach flu.
Anyways, in these situations, we give data, we give stats, we say, you know what, somebody is only going to throw up on the bus like one time a year and that already happened this year, so we're good. You're trying to like solve it with rational information. So if they're anxious about preschool because I don't know, they got hurt one day. Be like, oh, well, you know now that you don't climb up the stairs like that, you can climb up like this, let's practice climbing up the stairs and you focus on that specific problem. You look at the data, you give rational information, you go over a plan and specifics repeatedly and you're like, okay, walk in, do this and then when this happens, do this, do this, do this. If something changes in that plan, the whole plan falls apart and we're stuck in this content trap.
We Let the Hard Behavior Fly
The other thing we do when it comes to anxiety is we let bad behavior fly. We sometimes like say, oh, she's just really anxious so that's why she's like kicking me right now. So just ignore that, she's just going to kick me because she's really anxious or they're so attached to mom and there's like separation anxiety and so we just say, okay, he's just going to be my partner today or something like on the field trip or I'm just going to stay with him at preschool for like 30 minutes to help him but he should be fine in like 30 minutes. One of my aunts did this, her daughter had a really hard time going to kindergarten. It happened because of the traumatic experience that happened in her church class and then she was afraid to go to kindergarten and stay by herself. So my aunt went with her to kindergarten every single day to the point where she actually got hired as a parent in the classroom. So this is a crutch for them and obviously, we are doing the best we can for our children. I'm not saying what my aunt did was wrong, but obviously, she's sitting there like, okay, I did this and now I'm stuck being the parent in the classroom because I don't know how else to get her to go. They lean on that crutch, it strengthens the anxiety, the crutch is avoidance and then there's more anxiety.
So the thing that we need to do is focus on the process of worry, focus on how worry operates, and what it's up to. I'm not going to go into the nitty-gritty of these strategies, but I'm going to just go to tell you that kind of the guidelines of this. But in the book, there's a separate book that is for kids to give them tangible skills to manage the worries. So basically they like-named their worries. So it was like, oh, Ed's showing up, oh, Ed's here. What are we going to do when Ed shows up or whatever and you kind of externalize, you pull that out of them and you say, okay, I'm going to be the boss of my worry and I'm going to realize this is a worry, this is what it's up to you and then you do your worry managing strategies and so when we're guiding our kids through this process, I'm not going to go into the strategies right now, but this is kind of what it looks like when we're guiding them through that process that says, we get to preschool and say, Oh, I really don't want to go to preschool today. I'm scared that Johnny old dah, dah, dah, dah, dah and instead of being like, oh, Johnny won't dah, dah, dah, dah, you'll say that sounds like worry and then you prompt them with independence, reassurance, and problem solving and be like, what do we do when worry shows up?
Remember, you're the boss of worry, worry comes all the time. We just say, worry, go away and there are different strategies that you then would teach.
So that's the difference between content and process. We want to focus on the process of worry and not the content, because then if Giovanni does throw up on the bus again, which did happen, it's not about, oh, Giovanni threw up again, you're wrong, I'm never riding the bus again in my life. It's the process you say, okay, worry is showing up. I got through it last time. Here's some strategies that I can try. This sounds like, worry, I'm going to do this, this and this. I'm going to be okay, affirmations, dah, dah, dah. But you're doing the worry managing skills instead of focusing just on Giovanni on the bus.
What is Modern Anxiety?
So there are two things or I'm going to talk about the process kind of, of worry. What happens back in the day when our body would get worried, then our life was threatened. So pretend you're out like hunting for food, your body gets worried. You have to go into fight or flight mode because that's how you survive. When you run into somebody with a sword or I'm just talking about ancient days when they were worried, they had to go into fight or flight to survive. Modern-day worry is the anticipation of what's going to happen. So a lot of times we're so worried about what's going to happen and it might never even happen but we spent so much of our life being anxious about what could possibly happen. That is anxiety in a nutshell.
Cycle of Anxiety
So what happens is when worry happens, there's a signal and our body sounds the alarm and then we go into fight or flight. So they say, okay, you're worried, go into fight or flight and then you have a physical response. A lot of times this is shaking, stomach aches, headaches, for me it was always stomach aches. So that's what I'm going to speak to. So I would get worried, I'd get a stomach ache and then I would have more worried thoughts because remember my trigger is puke phobia. So I'd be like, oh my gosh, I'm going to throw up and so then I'd get intensified physical reactions and then it would just go in this cycle where I couldn't stop it because I would get triggered and then a fight or flight would happen, I'd get a physical body response because that's what our body's trained to do when it goes into fight or flight and then I get more worried thoughts, more worried thoughts, more worried thoughts. So when those intensified physical reactions happen, then we think we're going to die. So this is where people are in the hospital thinking they're having a heart attack, but really it's just you got that physical response and then you get more worried because you think you're having a heart attack and then you feel you're done, you're hospitalized with oxygen in the ER, because you had a panic attack. It happens more than you think. So instead we need to, when worry happens, we need to decide and define and figure out is this a signal that I need to sound the alarm?
So if we're getting kidnapped, I'm sorry, this is a really big example. If we think we're being kidnapped, or if we think somebody's where we have a threat to our lives, then yes, sound the alarm run, let that adrenaline kick in.
If the worry is just noise, then we need to tell our body we are not in danger and then our body will not have that physical reaction. We need to train our body to know this is just a noise of worry, I'm feeling worried, but it's just the noise. I'm feeling worried, this is a signal, sound the alarm. We have to know the difference and kind of whatever. So there are three ways kids can talk to worry and it talks about this in the book again, go read the book, it's so much better than what I'm saying, but there are three ways kids can talk to worry. Number one, expect it, expect it to happen. If we wake up every day and we're surprised at something's happening, like for example, like say we're going into work and we'd be like, ah work, work is happening again today, I can't believe this is happening to me today. I don't want to work and we're like constantly like acting surprised that these things that happen every single day are happening in our life, like oh, we're stuck in traffic, oh, I'm going to be late. It's like your stuck in traffic every day, calm down type of thing, we need a kind of model that for our children. Expect worries to happen. Expect things to come up that are going to cause worry.
If we are constantly watching the news and talking about all the bad things in the world, our kids are going to perceive the world as dangerous and we're social creatures. We need to model and talk about things in a way that doesn't scare our children. We need to nurture that dangerous, the perception that the world is this super dangerous place out of them. If we're super anxious ourselves and we're like, don't run in the street, don't do this or don't run a sidewalk, don't do this. Don't let anyone look at you. Don't let anyone touch you. That kind of thing. Then they're going to be afraid for their lives at all times because your anxiety is coming off of them and they're like, okay, yes, I'm always having a threat from my life. So we need to expect that worry is going to happen, expect that things are going to come up that cause worry, that tests are going to happen. Talk about those things at a time and be like, yeah, sometimes you might get worried because of a test and you're not prepared for, that happens. Sometimes we get worried about that. The next thing is, take care of it. So we expect it and then we take care of it. One of the ways the book talks about taking care of it is to assume that it will come and then tell it to like to get lost.
So try a new activity or talk tough, use strong language, push back to it, say knock it off, worry, I'm going to feel nervous then it'll be over. It's safe even if I feel scared, just kind of talk to you it, boss it around and that's actually the third one is boss it around. I am the boss of worry.
Let them know that they can use these strong words and be like “go away worry” or if they have a name for worry and again, in the book, it has another book where it talks about these strategies at your kid's level. So you can read this book with them and help them develop these skills and work on these strategies. So this is again, just a very short, short, short, synthesized version of what I learned, but I think it's so important to understand, well obviously the content versus process to not focus so much on the content and removing the hurdle, but to focus on the process of worry and what we can do to help our kids develop those skills and that's going to be more in the book. So then when our triggers happen, we can learn to respond and react differently.
So now like, so last year my kids; back to me, hey, back to me, sorry, my podcasts. So last year my kids threw up probably 30 times collectively. One of the things I was most afraid about as a preschool teacher was like, if the kids would throw up, so then I didn't want to do my own preschool because I was like, I would need an assistant teacher because if a kid throws up like I was serious, I'm twenty freaking three, like in my head, like I can't do a preschool in my home because I don't want a kid to throw up in my house. This worry has consumed me, I joke you not my entire life.
So last year when I'm like way older, my brain is fully developed. I should have this figured out by now, I'm still a pukaphobe. When my son threw up, the first time I like ran out of the room, I'm like, I can't do this, I slept in the other room, my husband took care of it all. Then like my son got sick again and I cleaned it up and I was like, okay, I can do this, I'm not dying, I can do this. Hey, I even got sick too. I'm still okay. I'm going to be okay. So then when my kids, the next year got sick so many times they ended up getting like a parasite and just threw up like every single month they would throw up, throw up, throw up, throw up, throw up. So I was dealing with my daughter throwing up, my husband was dealing with my son throwing up and in this moment, I mean, I hadn't even read this book yet. I read this book more recently, but I realized that instead of focusing on how my body felt and how, oh, I think I'm sick. oh my gosh, I'm going to die. Anyways, instead of focusing on that trigger and like signaling more physical responses, I would just say, I'm okay, I'm fine and I just like have my own coping strategies and a lot of us figured out we have anxiety, we have worries come up but we figured out our own coping strategies.
Some of our kids who are having these worries haven't figured that out yet and so their worries showing up more and more and more and we need to help them realize, okay, your worry about what other people think of you, we're not going to focus on, oh, all these people like you, because that's focusing on the content. We're going to focus on the process. That sounds like worry.
So we help them prompt like what was happening with me when I was exposed to throw up so many times last year I was learning I'm independent, I can problem solve, I can do this. I'm okay and now with my kids throw up, it's like here take a bag, as I can handle it.
I told myself, I'm the boss of my worry.
It still makes me a little uncomfortable and anxious, but not to the point where it's debilitating for me. So sorry to talk about puke like so many times without that legit my obsession trigger problem my entire life, it's gotten so much better in the last two years. I can't even tell you, if you taught preschool with me, you would know it was bad. I would run out of the room and I'm the headteacher and I'd be like, I'm so sorry.
So some other things you can do to kind of help give them the skills to be flexible and to not be so controlled by their worries is to shine the light on what you want more of. That's the strategy I always use like, oh wow, you got ready for school so fast today, that was awesome. Focus on the little things that they're doing that are awesome.
Anxiety Trigger, feeling valued by peers or parents?
If they're worried because of the way they're being valued if other friends or peers they're worried about what they look like, what they dress like, how they make friends, that kind of thing. Then don't use comparison speech in your home.
I just took a total right turn, I'm sorry, but this is a big one because some people's triggers are not vomiting, it's not so obvious. It's they're self-conscious, they're worried about making friends and having friends and like being the best at something or that kind of thing. So if we're using comparison speech, then we're comparing one person to everyone else. So comparing lifts one person and it's a ministry as everybody else like, oh, you're the best. You're the smartest. You're the fastest, how we praise matters in how we're valuing success. So if we're always like the big brother, wow, you're the best at this, you're the best at this, you're so good at this, you're the fastest, you're this and the little sister isn't going to be like, maybe they have a harder time learning or maybe they have a hard time with sports, that kind of thing. Then this comparison speech that we're doing, that you're the best, you're the fastest, you're the smartest, let's them know that this is what we value as a parent and if we can take out a lot of that comparison speech, then our younger siblings aren't having the anxiety to fill the shoes of the older siblings, that kind of thing. That's huge in the classroom too, because a lot of kids realize, she's number one. She's the teacher's pet, I can't even touch that because they can sense and feel and hear the comparison speech.
The other thing you can do is write a positive note to your kids once a month. Not for anything they've done, not be like, oh, thanks for helping with the dishes today but be like, thanks for being you. You're a light in my life or something like that and then relive positive experiences through pictures.
Relieve Positive Moments through Pictures
So constantly bring up old pictures and be like, oh, remember how fun this was. This was so awesome and give them those memories that are positive and happy and have them explain what happened that was so happy and make little books and that kind of thing. So that if they have like this fear, maybe they have this fear of this one thing that happened this one time if you can relive those positive experiences and add some rationale back into old things that happened, that can be helpful and that strategy comes from whole-brain kits, so good.
Encourage Flexibility with a Wall of Flexibility
Then this is one thing that is super helpful and I'm running out of time here, but it's the wall of flexibility and this is in the book, Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents but you want to create a wall of flexibility. Every single time your child's flexible instead of anxious and stubborn and like not doing what you want them to do, then you want to put a sticky note up. So every single time your child is flexible put a sticky note up on the wall and be like, oh wow, you got ready for school today, boom. You walked in without crying, boom; focus on all the things you see that are flexible, flexible, flexible, and have this wall dedicated to the flexibility and you're going to see a lot more of it.
So I packed a lot, I mean a lot into that episode but I really, really, really, really hope that you can take some of these tools to help you and your family with them and read that book to really encourage healthy behaviors around anxiety. Because honestly with the way the world's going it's probably just going to get worse. So we want to build these skills within ourselves and within our children.