First, he wanted his car seat in the back. Then, he wanted me to also move Maelie to the front.

He wailed. I had to wrestle him into the car seat with an audience, while he was kicking me with his boot.

Behavior coach for a parent DOES NOT mean I have perfectly behaved children. Emotions. Working through frustration, all of this is part of developing.

What it does mean, is I can:

1. Expect hard behaviors

2. Understand there are some missing needs

3. Not trying to teach in these escalated moments

4. Come back and teach these missing skills PROACTIVELY.

On the podcast, I tell you this whole process too. Using my green arrow analogy. How we use the green arrow moment to help our kids handle frustration! Have you had these fights with your kids over seemingly nothing? Man. it's a workout huh?

In response to my podcast, “stop ignoring the junk,“ I got some of the BEST feedback. I loved where the conversation went… that we can’t just focus on the positive and show our kids we only value POSITIVE feelings. All feelings are valid. Sometimes our negative behavior is annoying — but it’s still communicating something going on within our bodies.

So when our kids feel FRUSTRATED they may whine, backtalk, cry, threw a tantrum, roll their eyes… etc. Instead of “ignoring“ the behavior or just redirecting. We need to acknowledge and accept the feeling, and then help them learn ways to communicate that frustration appropriately. We aren’t asking them to not be frustrated… we are actually just helping them not kick us in the face with their muck boot when frustrated.

I got the following comment on my post about the podcast that is WONDERFUL. I absolutely loved this application. We are going to talk about how to do this with our own kids proactively.

ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID.

Your child has a feeling. Remember: ALL FEELINGS ARE OK. ALL FEELINGS ARE OK.

Often times we will say, you’re fine, stop crying, be tough… when our child is hurt or disappointed. Would we do the same with positive emotion? You’re not happy, stop smiling. NO. We want them to have their authentic emotion! ACCEPT ALL FEELINGS.

Instead, you can say, “ouch. that hurts, what do you need?“ “wow you’re happy, how does that feel?“

ACCEPT THE FEELING, let’s work on the action.

It’s okay to feel ____. It’s about what we DO with that feeling.

Stay human. I feel sad when _ happens, and here are some ways I feel and deal with sadness. We have to make safe choices with our bodies even when we feel sad, mad, angry, excited, etc.

Teach in the Green Arrow Moment

Don’t wait until the feeling has completely escalated to try to teach appropriate actions to express the feeling. If they are having a meltdown in the store — NOT the time to teach. Come back to the hard feelings later, and talk about some actions your kids can do to fully feel their emotions in an appropriate way.

The red arrow moment is when the amygdala is high-jacked… they are completely in an emotional state of mind. Logic will not get through. If you have practiced dealing with frustration proactively (in green arrow moments) and he has some choices for dealing with it. Then when the child starts feeling upset, PROMPT what you worked on in the green before you get to the red arrow moment!

What if we haven’t practiced?

If you haven’t practiced — it’s really difficult to try to TEACH how to deal with strong emotions. So take an inventory and come back to it in a green arrow moment.

Instead of trying to reason or teach at the moment (when you haven’t practiced), connect first and then redirect. Connect with the EMOTION, not the logic. Sit on the floor, hold in the cart, step outside — take a break. Validate those feelings. Hug. Let them feel. Relate. CONNECT CONNECT CONNECT. Use empathy. All they need to know at this moment — their feelings are valid.

Then you can start to redirect, make a plan together.

One way we really like to handle frustration or anger is with our mad chart. My son helped me figure out four choices to use on the mad chart. We practice practice practice. And then when he starts to get angry, I remind him his choices on the mad chart. We fell out of practice of working out these difficult emotions proactively, so we have since decided on a few NEW strategies to add to his anger choices.

Included below is our example of the mad chart, make your own with your child. And remember it’s not permanent, be flexible and let the choices change. There are so many appropriate ways to handle strong emotions.