Today we are going to take the volcano analogy one step further.

My friend wrote this message to me after using the volcano analogy in her home,

 "This really is genius, Lauren! I saved your post yesterday and immediately talked to my husband and kids about it. It helped so much in reframing the control we have over how we respond to other peoples actions.

Even my husband was able to take responsibility for exploding on the kids in the past and made sure they knew it was his lack of ability to control the volcano and not the kids' fault, which was like lightbulbs for all of them.

No shame, no more blame, just taking responsibility and being proactive vs. reactive. Seriously love this!!! Thank you!!!"

 

WOW I love that!

 

Two questions to think about today.

What makes your lava rise up?

For me, sound, whining, mess, clutter, family conflict, grief…all make my lava rise. I don't know that there will ever be a day

In my membership, one of the first things I talk about is sensory needs. When our kids are sensory seeking or sensory avoiding and they aren't getting those needs met… there will be problem behaviors. For example, my daughter is sensory avoiding for touch… and when her sock is on just a little bit crooked her lava rises. Charlie is sensory seeking for movement

When he doesn’t get it in his lava rises his body is out of control.

 

What makes your lava go down?

• Movement

• Food/sleep

 

So much more goes into behavior than teaching our kids the behavior we want. If our bodies aren't regulating -- it's not just because we want to act out -- we need to make sure we are getting all of our needs met, have the skills we need to behave appropriately

 That's what I love about this analogy. Talking about behavior in terms of lava rising and falling is so much more accurate than just looking at the form of the behavior aka “your kid hit my kid”

It’s not just about the HIT! There are so many questions to investigate and stay curious about!

• Why did you kid hit my kid?

• What triggered it?

• What was already going on for this kid?

• What's the history?

• How did you respond?

• etc.

There’s so much that goes into EACH behavior and each human person.

It's looking at the child from a WHOLE CHILD PERSPECTIVE - health, development, environment, genes… the whole 9 yards

When our lava rises, it is OUR LAVA!

When someone does something that causes them to feel angry, or stressed, or overwhelmed, it's easy to fall into this trap of "he made me do it." This is giving someone else control over their emotions.

Instead, talk about your emotions and triggers (lava) in a way that takes ownership instead of places blame. This helps our kids realize they are also in control of their own emotions (lava).

Phrases you might say that place blame

You're driving me nuts

Your attitude is ruining the trip

I wouldn't have to yell if you wouldn't

If you wouldn't have hit your sister, I wouldn't of had to ______

 

Say instead phrases that use ownership while still communicating triggers

My ears need a break from the noise, I’m going to take a break in my room before my volcano erupts.

I’m feeling a bit frustrated right now, I’m going to take a break and come back to this when my lava goes down.

Whew, I feel my lava rising. I think I need some help. Can you help me?

 

Start with This:

It bugs me when __ I wish you would __

My lava is rising, I need to ___