As I was doing some research on spirited children a couple of years ago. (before I even realized my own child fit this temperament style) I got really intrigued by the topic of labels.

Spirited Children

Spirited children are much more sensitive and reactive to the world around them. This means these kids have big emotions! This means it can be very difficult to parent them, especially if we are in a space of healing our own responses to big emotions.

Spirited children are more intense sensitive sometimes more energetic, and have more issues than similar-age kids. Personality research tells us that 20% of children in the USA are spirited children. Actions are not what determine if you have a spirited child or not, it's more about their temperament and personality. Which you cannot change.

Therefore you can not discipline a child out of being spirited and you can't be so neglectful or wrong that you create a spirited child. Temperament begins much before you have any influence over their behaviors.

Yes, you can learn to parent your spirited child. And we talk about ways to do that in my membership. But you CAN NOT change your child's personality. So trying to change your child, is creating MORE of a problem. Let's work WITH their spirit.

Labels Matter

Labels matter because first of all what we focus on grows

I want you to brainstorm negative labels that you might hear or that you might give to a sensitive child. Maybe it's

Whiny

Defiant

Stubborn

I want you to just close your eyes if you can and picture a situation you might be in… maybe you're. stay at home mom and your neighbor asks you to do this, or maybe your boss has to bring their kid to work today and you need to help them out…

What if they came up to you and said, hey mama, I'm have an emergency, I need you to please watch my defiant and stubborn child all day

Tune into how your body is feeling

I tensed right up

Clenched my jaw

Everything in my body is screaming at me DON’T DO IT

AH

CRINGE

ABORT

GOODBYE

How does that make you feel??

Ok, now a different sentence.

“Hey mama, I have an emergency, I need you to please watch my baby girl. She has lots of spirit and likes to beat to her own drum.”

That is intriguing.

Maybe all day is still a stretch for you

But my body isn't tense

My body is curious and even amused.

I'd love to see these fireworks in action.

Labels matter

when we see this child as defiant, ornery, poor-losers moody… we are judging them before they even show up

When we instead label our spirited kids as leaders, highly perceptive, having a strong sense of justice, standing up for self and others -- we see them from a view that we are PROUD OF and can support

When we see them this way we are also willing to give them more opportunities and more responsibility.

Your assignment or takeaway today is to -- Shift the parts that are SOOO difficult for us about our child into STRENGTHS

We aren't excusing bad behavior, but we are seeing strengths, understanding, and respecting who our children are.

When I was “Too Embarrassing”

When I was a teenager I was super social. I was loud. And too much for some people. I just got more and more confident and true to myself as I left the home and had the opportunity to butterfly.

If any of you went to college with me, I'm still crazy. Wild. Fun. And TOO MUCH for some people. I realize now, I was a spirited child.

Have I told the story on here before where a boyfriend literally told me I was too embarrassing?

We went out in public, this was in college. And I was being goofy at a restaurant. This guy loved who IW as on paper, but he didn't love ME. He didn't accept me for me. So when he told me he wished I wouldn't do that, cuz it’s embarrassing for him -- I felt cold all over inside.  

Do I change for him?

I was sick to my stomach. Is who I am not good enough? I got off the phone feeling really uneasy.

And then I made a decision -- to dump him.

He could make a great partner for someone, but that someone wasn't ME. I wanted someone who could handle, honor and love all of me.

And I'm happy to say my husband -- though he doesn't join me in some of my crazy shenanigans -- he HONORS my spirit. He honors my crazy. He loves all that I am.  

That's what I want for my daughter's future bf. So can I be a mom who also honors all that she is…

Honoring My Child 

This year I'm really trying to honor my own spirited child.

Think back to a moment in your childhood when you were “in trouble.”

 What do you wish the adults around you said to you?

 Think back to a moment in your childhood when you were too much.

 “Too loud” for grandma. “Too sassy” to dad. “Too annoying” for your mom. “Too social,” “too assertive” “too opinionated” 

How do wish your parents responded to your BIG PERSONALITY?

When you start like you are “too much” for your safest people… you may either start to hide that part of you or you find new safety.

Spirited children have big reactions, emotions, and desires. They have a sense of control and leadership. 

They are not afraid to take up space.

This year, I am going to honor my spirited child.

I am going to accept all that she is.

I am going to LOVE her. 

And truly understand, she’s pushing me to chip away the parts of me I hid so long ago.

 xo,

Lauren Pace