Getting on the Same Parenting Page as Your Partner with Jessica Bright, LMFT

Meet my friend Jessica Bright, she is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, wife, and mom. I specifically chose her for this topic because of her professional experience, but also her personal experience in a mixed-culture, mixed-faith marriage.

Today we are talking about getting on the same parenting page as your partner (husband, wife, parent, bf, gf, partner).

First. we need to look at differences in parenting as STRENGTHS.

What are your parenting strengths? What are your partner’s strengths?

Instead of focusing on the mistakes, we shouldn’t be making, we can build on the self-efficacy of knowing that we will make mistakes but we know how to make the repair.

What does the repair look like in parenting?

Take a pause. Tune into your own emotions. What are you feeling? What are you dealing with? What do you need? Give yourself grace and know that it’s ok to make mistakes. Get to that root feeling of your own behavior. For example, maybe you got annoyed with your husband because you were coming from a place of fear of your child getting their feelings hurt.

Go from persecutor mode (victim) and reflect on your strengths, your spouse’s strengths.

Then from a softened stance, explain your behavior and feelings. Talk about how you can try it next time or make a plan for the future to make the repair.

This is an example of using the GREEN ARROW MOMENT with your parenting team. We don’t need to try to correct, teach, or get in a fight during the red arrow moment. It’s not effective. But if we do get in a red arrow moment — we want to take a pause, work on your own feelings and then work it out.

What if we don’t address the problem again?

If never come back and address those red arrow moments — it can create resentment in our relationships. It builds up over time. And then we start getting irritated by TINY little things when it’s really about a bigger issue we didn’t address.

Some ways to release those built-up emotions: journaling, coaching, therapy, dance or scream off those hard emotions. Emotions are energy. If we don’t release them, they get trapped in the body. Feel them. Write it out. Release them.

How do we help our partners when we can tell that they are full of overwhelm and stress?

Preventatives. Notice our own emotions. Notice our spouse’s emotions. Don’t just call them out and say, go release your emotions. But ask and say, hey do you need a break? Do you want to ___? Do you need a hunting break? Do you want to go to ___ to watch the Jazz game? Could you use an hour to decompress today?

If you are in a good place, proactively offer time for your spouse to get self-care.

Also, make sure you are filling your OWN bucket. Ask for a break. Get a sitter. Get your needs met!

The very minimum you can do is the SACRED 10. Take 10 minutes to get grounded and do something for YOU.

When you do disagree on what to do about specific parenting practices — how can you address it?

Come back in a green arrow moment (softened) and address the problem at hand with your WHY. What does it mean to you when your partner spanks? or yells? or allows too much screen-time?

When I see you ___, it means ___ to me.

Come from a place of WHY, when you want to address the differences that really matter to you.

If it doesn’t work, I’m open to changing it.

We want to be differentiated. I am my own person. I have my own thoughts and beliefs. Our partners are their own people and they have their own thoughts and beliefs.

This means sometimes we compromise and sometimes we do things the way of one partner, other times we do things the way of the other. When coming from different background/traditions/personalities we create our own family cultures.

Find Jess Bright

On Instagram @bright_therapy_coaching