Biting: Reasons why & how to help them stop!
Today we are going to talk about biting and I am so excited because it's something that I've dealt with personally and also professionally — as a behavior consultant and as a preschool teacher. Also, I have two children who were biters and both of them didn't last very long because I knew how to deal with it based on the different reasons they were biting.
It's important to understand that not all children bite for the same reason. There's not one “fix-all Band-Aid solution” that you can just throw on for biting.
Biting usually begins during toddlerhood
Around 17 months to the age of three years old is the peak of aggression for most children. This aggression comes out in hitting, biting, scratching, or screaming. And the reason why this is the most aggressive period of time is that children have higher needs but lower language skills. Their needs are higher, but they don't have the skills to be able to communicate those needs. A lot of their frustration and communication come out with physical aggression, hence an increase in biting.
It’s important to know before I get started that biting is absolutely developmentally appropriate, meaning it is normal for children to bite. They are not Psychopaths. They do not need to be isolated or never have a playdate again.
There are things we can do to help with the biting, reduce it, and have our children function in a way so they can be around other children. So biting is absolutely normal, but it is also unacceptable.
Why do children bite?
1. Communicating Frustration
So my daughter Maelie was a biter. She bit probably five times before it completely fizzled out. So that's actually really good. So she communicating her frustration if her brother was in her space she would scream and then bite or if she didn't like something or she wanted something that she had she would scream. My daughter has a speech delay, which means that her aggression is actually a lot higher.
2. Challenges of Playing with Others
Sharing, taking turns — it goes back into that communicating frustration, but it might only be triggered when they're playing with other children. And so then, as a result, you're like, I don't even want them to have a playdate because it's just so frustrating. They're going to bite someone and then maybe your friends don't want your kid to play with them. Anyways, it turns out to this huge thing and especially if preschool class parents get involved.
3. Cause and Effect
They are looking for a big reaction. This child may bite another child and that child may cry, the adult in the room may pick them up…take them somewhere fun.
When I was a preschool teacher, there was a girl (we're going to call her Jane) who was around eighteen months old and she was in the one to the two-year-old classroom. So the teachers and center received threats from families saying if you don't do something about her if you don't suspend her… if you don't expel her… then we're going to pull our child out and you're not going to get the money from this child. Also, there were saying like when she bit her mom had to come to pick her up from work. So there were a lot of threats, pressure and people getting involved in this little eighteen-month-old girl's life because she was a biter and she was a big-time “cause-and-effect biter.”
It's important to know that cause and effect biters, are also lumped in with those who are seeking attention. For the ones that you think they're just biting for attention, it's usually because of this cause and effect reason. They see when I bite someone, I make an impact … or when I bite someone the teacher will do this… my dad will do this.
When I was breastfeeding my children and my kids would bite me, then start laughing. That is a cause-and-effect biter. Yes, they want attention. But mostly they wanted to see what my reaction would be when they bit me.
When Jane would bite in this classroom, they would absolutely reinforce her behavior, and the biting went on and on. They would pick her up after each bite and then storm out of the classroom, put her in a high chair in the director's office.
Okay, Jane is seeing. When I BITE … I get to leave. I get carried. I get attention. Everyone turns to me. My mom picks me up. I get out of the classroom. When she bites, SOMETHING NEW HAPPENS.
This is absolutely what you don't want to do in a cause-and-effect biting incident.
4. Exploring & Learning
Some children are just curious about tastes, textures, and what might happen if…
5. Oral Sensory Stimulation
Children enjoy the physical sensation of biting and chewing. It's not that they really want to chew on everything. It's that the have a sensory need to chew on everything. It's like telling a child stop breathing to calm down these kids. They really like to chew and so if they're chewing on things and they're not allowed to chew on their sweater, they're not allowed to chew on their hand. Then they're going to start chewing on random toys and when someone's mad at them, they're going to bite.
6. Coping
If a child is bored or sleepy or hungry
7. Monkey See - Monkey Do
What to do: it's important to observe to understand why your child is biting.
So with my Maelie, when she was breastfeeding a bit me and then would just look up and start laughing. Then I knew that she was doing the cause and effect. She was biting because she wanted to see my reaction. I didn’t react. It stopped.
My son, when he bit me as a toddler, was also a “cause and effect biter.“
He only bit me probably three times but one time he left the biggest bruise on my shoulder. We were in a restaurant and it was actually last time he ever bit me — and I realized from observation previously that it was the cause and effect. And so I didn't give him any reaction. I just pretended it didn’t hurt, didn't even look at him. When he was done, I moved his hand off and I gave him to my husband. He was a baby, but yep. But I didn’t give him a reaction. The bite didn’t work. And he was removed from my side. He learned at that moment biting didn’t work — and there was 0 lecture, or “punishment.“
What to do when they bite (based on the reason/function)
1. Communicating Frustration
Maelie would also bite Charlie it was usually because she wanted something he had so she was communicating her frustration. She was just trying to communicate in general. In green arrow moments, practice those communication words, calming down, handling disappointment. And remove them or redirect them when they are starting to get frustrated to prevent biting.
So if your child is biting to communicate that they want something — then they need to not get what they want. They need to not be reinforced for whatever biting for.
Maelie was biting because she wanted a glowstick. She bit Charlie. Did she get the glow stick? Absolutely not. Did I punish her? Did I put her in a Timeout on her crib? No, she was a BABY.
Discipline is teaching something about the ACTION/CHOICE your child makes with a reasonable, relatable and respectful consequence. (Learn more in my consequences mini-course)
In this situation, she bit, and as a result of her choice did NOT get what she wanted (the glowstick). There are going to naturally feel bad because they didn't get what they wanted.
2. Challenges of Playing with Others
Make sure you join in the play and guide the interaction. So if you have two toddlers and you're like, okay, let's sit down.
“Let's play babies.”
“It looks like Harper wants your baby.”
”Let's see if Harper wants to turn”
“Harper, do you want to turn?”
Model how to share how to communicate how to take turns and assist them with these interactions while they are learning to play kindly.
3. Cause and Effect
Okay for cause and effect. This is a huge one because I feel like it's one of the biggest reasons why toddlers bite — when you can't really figure out why they're doing it. Anytime you think it’s “out of the blue biting,“ it’s usually “cause and effect“
So in a situation with Janie back of the daycare center, what should have happened that didn't was they should have picked her up or moved her away from the thing with completely neutral affect.
Focus on the hurt child. Move Jame away calmly and redirect her to something else without giving attention to the biting. This is a really hard thing for parents and teachers to hear because they're like “no we have to address the biting. We have to let them know that it's wrong.” Most of the time especially if you've been storming them out and their moms been talking to them all this kind of thing — they will know biting is wrong.
At the same time, they are eighteen months old so we can't expect them to be punished every time they bite. We need to redirect and not give them the attention and the reinforcement for biting. It's kind of backward because a lot of times kids are getting spanked, bit back, or flicked in the mouth. These are not effective practices to stop biting. Doing these things makes YOU feel like you did something about this. But what is actually harder to do and more appropriate is to not give attention to the bite, (don’t even say “NO BITE”) just have a neutral affect, remove them from the situation, and do not give them what they want.
So with my daughter Maelie, she bit because she wanted to get into the Ranger with Charlie. He has this cute little Ranger, so she bit HARD and he started crying. I removed her completely neutral face, no words. I picked her up and I said, “Charlie, go” and he drove away in the ranger. So she bit and did not get what she wanted. In fact, she cried harder than Charlie did at the disappointment of not getting the ranger after all. We later practiced the sign PLEASE to communicate with her brother.
Stay neutral, don't let it work and find other ways to get a strong reaction.
Make a joke or do a puppet show or do a silly face or you know. Teach them ways to get a funny, silly reaction out of someone else that meets the function of the behavior to get that big reaction.
4. Oral Sensory Stimulation
To prevent this one you want to give your child crunchy foods, popsicles, jewelry, teething toys. If they need oral stimulation, then they need to get it in appropriate ways.
There was a child in a classroom I did behavior consulting for, let's call him Nick. Nick was a biter when he was frustrated, but I observed for about an hour and I just noticed he was biting on the toys. He was biting on his shirt. He was biting on all sorts of things. And so what I realized for him was it's not necessarily he wants to bite. But it's that he has this oral sensory need to bite.
We started implementing two breaks. He would get Frozen teethers to chew one. Yes, he's almost three years old, but he has this oral sensory need and so he needs a way to get this need met off without doing something that he's not allowed to do which is biting other toys, biting woodblocks, biting children.
An almost three-year-old chewing on a teether might be a little “weird,“ but it’s so much better than chewing on every pen, toy and piece of clothing in reach. It is so much better and safer than anything else. The other thing you can do. If you don't want to do like a teething toy is they have something called chewlry. Chewlry is something they can wear on their neck and when they're ready they can just put it in their mouth and bite on it.
Nick’s parents were not stoked about this idea. They thought it was kind of weird their kid needed to wear jewelry. But as time went on they realized their kid really had this oral sensory need and if they wanted him to stop biting toys and also people they needed to help him meet this need in an appropriate way.
So I talked to somebody who I respect a professor about this sensory need and she said, you know, what's interesting is I have that need too. It would be really socially inappropriate if I was just chewing on my sweatshirt at work, which is what I would do at home. So I have this necklace and when I'm stressed or I'm bored, this necklace goes in my mouth.
It's really interesting to kind of see how that translates into adulthood how we have these sensory needs and we adapt to them in appropriate ways throughout our life. So it's absolutely appropriate to give child jewelry to help them learn how to cope with the sensory need for life.
5. Coping
Stay ahead of naps, snacks (hangry time) and allow them free access to open-ended toys.
In Summary
Observe the WHY behind the bite, Prevent in all the ways you can, and if the biting continues. Be patient. Accept that this is a normal thing, and may take time to end. Make sure you’re not letting them get what they want from the biting.
If we can understand why they're biting and then meet that need in an appropriate way, then we can stop the biting all together and give them the skills. They need to function as long as humans in this world.