Avoid the Power Struggle

I have a free four-day listening conference. It's one hour of video total, but today I’m going to put in the audio for day one of this listening conference. I feel like every single day has so much value, but I want you to be hooked here first, so that you want to get into the conference listen to the rest of the videos and hopefully, it will change your life and help your child learn to listen. So, without further ado I’m going to just plug in the day one of my free listening conference right here into this podcast, so you can listen right now. Access the rest of the listening conference in the show notes, it's free. 

Hello, my name is Lauren pace and I’m really excited to have you here in my help your children choose to listen conference. Sometimes it's really hard to get our children to listen and today and tomorrow and the next and the next day, I’m going to talk to you about some very simple but mind-blowing strategies that are going to kind of change the way that you parent and change the way that your kids respond to you. So, I know that that's like a huge promise because you're probably here like my kid doesn't listen at all, how are you going to change that in you know these four videos? If you open your mind to what I’m going to tell you and you implement some of these strategies, even if you think they might not work it could change your life. So, how I organized this whole conference was I asked parents what are some things that you have trouble with your kids listening to, and so some things were like when it's time to leave, when I tell them to clean up, when I tell them anything they just don't listen all day all this. So, I wrote down a list and I made this huge chart and I was like okay these things are similar here, these things are similar here, these themes and I grouped them by themes this is like how researchers like organize questions like using factor analysis anyways it's like a great process. So, I circled, and I decided that there were four different themes among the reasons why kids don't listen. 

And so, I’ve broken this course down into four different videos based on the different reasons why kids don't listen. And obviously, I’m not going to hit every single child with every single like every method isn't going to work every single method that I include is not going to absolutely work on your child, so try to keep an open mind and also think about, why does my child not listen? Is it because they want to negotiate there there's you're stuck in a power struggle? Is it because they're seeking attention? Is it because they like want to test you they you don't have consistent follow-through, so they continue to push and push and push the boundary? or is it because they're just ignoring you? Okay, what is it what do you think it is and the answer should be usually different things so think about right now think about the times your children choose to not listen the most and think okay it seems like it's for attention, or it seems like it's for just a power struggle. Think about that, think about that and write it down write down what are some things that they really don't listen to, so then when we get to those different ways. You'll be super attentive to that specific issue with these strategies. 

Okay, without further due we are going to jump in to session one and every day there's going to be just stories and a couple different strategies and then I’m gonna give a homework assignment and I know we're not in school anymore, but homework is a way for you to implement these skills right away and see if they're effective and I feel like giving you the homework and then you coming back in in a discussion telling me how it's going is going to be so powerful in motivating you to use the strategy to share with other parents to just see how it works. So, that is how it's going to go and we're just going to get started. So, hopefully you've already printed your worksheet off I have my worksheets right here I use it to teach every single time, so I really hope that they're right here in front of you so that you can get the most out of this workshop. 

Let’s Get Started

Okay first of all, welcome my name is Lauren Pace I have two children myself and we also have six dogs 1500 pheasants, we live on a mini farm, which is a new development I lived like just right in the city a couple years ago and then my husband decided to start hunting and then we started reading raising pheasants. Anyways, here we are in a mini farm. My favorite thing in the world is to like redo projects and do it yourself projects I like to weave; I like to do all sorts of just fun new projects and I love talking about child development and parenting and behavior. So, day one don't get stuck in the power struggle, raise your hand if you have gotten stuck in the power struggle definitely this happens to most parents, so I hope that this is a good one to start off with. 

Life is Filled with Choices

The first thing we're going to talk about is life is filled with choices, okay. So, we're just going to talk about choices for a minute. So, when we're talking about choices, we need to first think about ourselves okay, so our own selves our own free will here. I am in charge of me I’m in charge of me and I’m the only person who can change myself, my husband can't change, me my kids can't change me they can influence changes for me but I choose to change I choose what I’m feeling. And this is kind of a hard concept because a lot of times we think that we're kind of a victim to our emotions and we think oh you're making me feel angry or you're making me feel really annoyed right now like stop screaming you're making me feel frustrated I’m gonna go crazy. Yes, you might be feeling angry, you might be feeling like you're gonna be driven crazy, but nobody else is making you feel that way, it is your choice, okay that is a hard concept because sometimes you're like well I don't want to change that choice either I just want to feel angry because it is making me feel angry, but what we have to understand is nobody else is making us feel that way. We have to accept that we are feeling that way because we are choosing to feel that way and that can be really hard it can be our subconscious helping us feel that way but it's not our children making us feel that way. 

So, when we say something like the kids are driving me crazy. Let's change it to, I’m going crazy over the noise in my house, but I’m safe I’m gonna keep breathing I’m gonna be calm. We can't become a victim to our emotions, or you know the things that happen. So, for example I have a trigger if things are really loud and noisy that I know that it's really frustrating for me and I could just be like oh it's noisy I’m gonna shut down, because I tell myself when it's noisy I shut down when it's noisy I shut down or I could say, okay it's noisy and I know that overwhelms me so here are some things I can practice to calm my body down I can take a break I can take a deep breath I can just come into the conscious moment and be like, I’m okay it's loud but I’m okay that kind of thing. Okay so, when we say something like don't make me say that again or something like that then kids will often straighten up and immediately try to re regain our love and approval and they've learned that power comes from pleasing others, not from choosing for themselves. That's kind of hard, that's kind of a hard pill to swallow. 

If you say you're making me angry, sometimes these children experiment with the information that we give them and they're like okay if this makes your anger what could it take for me to make her cry, you know there's different motivating factors when we say something like that to our kids where we're giving them the power of our emotions, then sometimes they're going to take that power and they're going to take it much further than this say really mean things to you that kind of stuff. So, when we give away our power to children, it sets some ups to either be pleasers and be people-pleasers for us or controllers and it sets us up to blame them for how we're feeling. Wow, that's powerful oh my goodness I promise, I’m gonna get into the strategies but first I just need you to understand this huge concept. 

When we give away our power, we have to seek to get it back, right. So, like these kids are calling us mean names or they're just trying to please us that kind of thing when we give away that power, we try to give it back and we start doing a power struggle. Let that sink in for a minute, this is what is causing the power struggle, we have given them control of our emotions and then they have this control over our emotions with the mean names with the yelling, with the fighting, everything we say, with the disrespect, whatever it may be and now we're trying to get that power back by saying no I said this and I mean this and I need you to listen to me and so then we're stuck in this power struggle and that's hard, that's a really hard place to be. So, we're going to shift from powerless to powerful and instead of having this language of powerlessness like just in general in life, oh I have to get my hair cut, oh don't make me pull over this car, I should contribute to that public on Friday, I made my husband go to the show, I should do my dishes, okay. 

Here are some language of responsibility and choice, I could contribute to that potluck on Friday you don't you don't have to put all these shits in your life, okay. I’m going to pull over the car until the seatbelts are on and everyone's safe. So, instead of saying don't make me pull over the car and then that gives them a challenge to try to continue to like push and push and push and push and be like, ah okay fine I’m probably over you know it's kind of a threat and a lot of times you're like, say it hoping that they'll respond but a lot of times they're gonna actually amp up their behaviour to challenge you. So, instead you a language of responsibility and choice I’m going to pull over the car until the seat belts are on and everyone is safe, just pull over the car, you don't have to say don't make me pull over just pull in the car and say hey we'll keep going once the seat belts are on and over and safe. I have to get my hair cut I could get my hair cut, there's the difference there. You don't make your husband go to anything at least I don't but it took a little persuasion but he decided to go with me type of thing like yeah you do sometimes have to persuade or be persistent but you aren't like chaining him up and taking him to a musical with you, no, it's ultimately his choice. So, think about that like if your husband really resists going to musicals and you're like oh let's go to this Broadway show it's gonna be so fun let's do it and he's like I don't really want to and you could be like oh well this this and this and then he ends up choosing to go with you. Okay, think about that with our kids instead of forcing our kids to do stuff. How can we give them the information to make that choice for themselves? Okay, we're going to get into that I promise, I promise, I promise, okay. 

So, other things we say to children are to tell to keep children in charge of their own feelings by not saying look you made her feel sad, look you made her feel this, you say look see her face she looks really sad, she's feeling really sad about this, how can we help her feel better? We don't want to say look what she made her feel like because it's the child's choice to feel that way some children react super strongly to some behaviors and some don't and it's not what your child made them feel or made them didn't feel, it's an action created a feeling in this other child. And yes, it probably was because your child contributed to whatever happened like, maybe your child pushed this child yeah that's gonna make that's gonna that's going to, let's see, cause problems where this child is going to then feel sad choose to feel sad. Your child didn't make her feel sad your child pushed her that's what your child did your child didn't make her feel anything. 

So anyway, we're getting into a huge tangent here, but I just want you to realize that the only person who you can make change is you. And if we stay in this mentality of like, oh if only he would do the dishes then I would be happy or if only he would like come home by five then I would be happy, if only my kid would clean up their room then I would be happy. If we rely on somebody else's choices to make us happy we're not going to be happy. So, instead of focusing on changing others that puts us in a get mode, what can we get from them? It sets us up for failure and loss of composure. Okay, we have two ways to tell our story, we can tell it in a way that empowers or a way that paralyzes, we have a choice always. 

So, now that I’ve filled your mind with all of this about how life is full of choices and how we are in control of ourselves and nobody else, let's talk about some strategies.

Two Positive Choices

So, first of all, the power of choice over force. It's a powerful thing, very powerful thing. Okay so, the strategy here is called two positive choices. So, if you're getting ready to leave the house and your child's resisting and maybe, okay I’m just going to use the scenario in my house like, maybe they were playing with something or maybe they just don't want to go to where you're going, so give them two positive choices. They still have control to choose what they want to do but you're getting the ultimate end result that you want so getting ready to leave the house sometimes, I’ll be like hey Charlie hey I really need your help and I need you to go put the key in the car or I say you can go put the key in the car or you can climb in through the trunk, you know I just give them two choices and I just say it kind of just like that or I’ll say, hey it's time to go so if you want we can go out the front door or we can go out the back door. You see how we're getting the same result we're leaving the house, but there are two choices and so then they feel powerful because they're like, oh I want to go out the back door you have to be okay with either choice is totally fine it gets you the result that you want. So, some other ideas are like hey we're going to run to the car or we can hop like a bunny, how do you wanna get to the car and then pretty soon you and your kids are hopping like a bunion and you're laughing and it's hilarious and you're just doing and you're having fun and they chose that choice and they're getting into the car. They're not even thinking about not getting into the car because there's no power struggle here because they have a choice, they chose something they're feeling powerful they get the result that they want. 

Okay, getting off-screen screens can be really hard and I’m not going to go into the nitty-gritty of screens but basically there's a part of their brain that's over-stimulated and so sometimes getting off screens is beyond a normal heart behavior. So, for my child my son getting off screens whether he's been on for two minutes or five hours, it is the same reaction, like it is so volcanic. Okay so, what I say to him is like hey bud I transition him to something else so if I know we have to be somewhere like, I let him usually like screams in the afternoon I don't do it before bedtime anymore because it just wasn't working out. 

Anyways, in the afternoon I’ll let them watch screens and then I’ll say hey bud it's time to have a snack or we can go play outside, you know I’ll just give him two options that are pretty good fun options, I won't say hey it's time to get off screens and do homework, hey it's time to get off screens and clean your room, you know you have to like stack your activities in a way that's like not as hard for them to respond to. So, sometimes I’ll be like okay it's time to get off screens do you want to go ride your bike or do you want to play downstairs we could build with blocks, you know I kind of give a lot of imagery because that helps him to like make his decision especially when screens are so hard. And I’ll give some more strategies for getting off screens with a different strategy. 

So, the next one is eating dinner. Eating dinner is really hard and what makes it easier is more choices. So, I could say hey tonight we're having sloppy joes, you can either have just the bun or you can have the bun with this on it or you could have salad or you have this and giving them choices is going to be so much more helpful, but that's not the only thing there are other ways you can create choices at dinner time. So, you can say hey do you need this spoon or this balloon this plate or this plate this cup or this cup and you give them two choices and I know some people are like, oh but I don't want my kid to like always have to choose exactly the blue plate or whatever. If you give them two choices and they choose the blue plate every time, then they choose the blue plate but if you give them a green plate and a yellow plate as a choice then they have to choose one of those things. So, mix it up however you need to do it for whatever your goal is in mind but also if they eat on the blue plate every time, it's fine. 

Okay so eating dinner, another thing you can do is hey tonight we could either eat like a horse or could eat like a dragon and then you can just like make I just made those up off the spot, so now I’m like okay how to horsey you know gross, how would a dragon eat like it would take a bite and then blow fire out its mouth or something I don't know just make it up it's so fun. 

Getting dressed. There are so many choices of getting dressed you think that you can just be like okay come on getting dressed, but you could say okay which pants do you want to wear this one or this one which shirt do you want this one or this one and then you say you're gonna put your shirt on first or your pants on first what song do you wanna listen to this is more of an open-ended question, but I’ll say hey do you wanna listen to paw patrol or Octonauts theme song while we get dressed and then we race the song. 

Okay, so giving them as many positive choices as they can throughout the day is going to help them to make choices and have independence and power within each choice, while also getting them to do the thing that you need them to do. It's okay for them to have choices they don't have to do exactly what you say, exactly how you say every single time we want to raise independent strong-willed children, but we also want them to do what we want them to do, right. So, this is the way to do that with two positive choices and I’m gonna talk about some more strategies here okay. 

Ask Questions

So, the next one is like ask questions so if a child is building with Legos at their grandma's house and it's really hard to usually get them to leave and you're like okay five more minutes and then five minutes happens and they barely even heard you say five more minutes and so did it if you use this strategy of ask questions like, hey bud we gotta go in 20 minutes to pick up your sister from soccer, so how much longer do you need five or 10 or 15 minutes to finish this up. So, you have to kind of plan ahead and be like, okay how much time do you need and then you set your timer you say, okay you said 15 minutes all right great do you want to press start and then they're part of that decision, you've given some flexibility for how long they need. 

So, with a tv show or a video game you can say, hey about how long do you need to finish we have to go in about 30 minutes so you know how much time till this game ends instead of just coming and said, end your game right now you know that's going to cause some explosion because they're not at the save point that kind of thing. So, if you are asking questions, hey how much longer till your next check-in spot dude I don't play video games, so I don't even know what I’m talking about, but you know what I mean. 

Routines and Rituals

Okay, so the next thing is routines and rituals. So, when you have routines and rituals around certain activities events things that are happening then it's a lot easier for your child to comply and kind of know what to expect. So, sometimes where most people have rituals or routines is at bedtime maybe they read a story, they brush their teeth, they do this they sing a song, that kind of thing having a routine can help with the kids who are always in a power struggle. If they have a consistent routine that stays consistent then they're less likely to fight with you every single time. It's bedtime because they know this is the routine this is what happens I go to bed when this is done. Some other times that you can have routines are like in the morning when it's time to go maybe when you're first starting out your routine, you make a routine chart where it's like, okay first I get dressed, then I brush my teeth, then I do this, then I do this and they can check it off, but if you're going to do a routine chart make sure to include some fun things within that routine, so they're motivated to do it. So, at the end of mine, I have like play or something, so it's like oh we do this and this and then we can play or I mix in like Charlie for a really long time really like to feed the dogs, that was fun for him and he hated to brush his teeth, so I put in brushed teeth and then feed dogs and then you know I’d stack it in and he had a getting dressed, but now he doesn't love feeding the dogs as much. So, it's not as big of a motivator. 

Anyways, having a routine or a ritual can be super helpful, and having a chart or a picture schedule is a way to make that happen to make it consistent and to kind of reduce the power struggles what would be really neat as if your child's old enough you can be like okay bedtime's kind of hard for us what are some things we can do to make it a little bit easier, what routine would you like to have? And then develop that routine chart with them and they can help pick out graphics put on there and they're going to be way more involved in the process it's like when you want your kid to eat something you cook with them. If you want your kid to have a better bedtime routine, you involve them in planning that bedtime routine and then so the routines and rituals if you join my parenting academy.

I actually have a whole lecture on how I use charts how I make charts and how we do these routines in my family? So, keep that in mind when we get to the end of this course and talk more about that. 

Roles

Okay and then the next one is roles. Okay, so roles are a super fun way to use our child's strengths. So, think about some things your child's really good at. Charlie is a really good rule follower. Melee is a very good cleaner, like she if something is out of place, she makes sure it is in the right place. So, this is off the top of my head those are some great strengths that my kids have some things that they're like not as good at Charlie and Maelie both scream and fight a lot with each other, so what I can do is kind of put them in roles using their strengths to like to not scream and fight and be so frustrated to share that every single time. So, I could say something like, okay today it's Melee's job to make sure we're all cleaned up and so Melee's gonna do this and then I kind of give her that role and she's in charge of that, but also then Charlie knows that that's her role and it kind of takes away from this like control power fight between kids and then okay so say something else like, if it's hard for them to leave or if they have a really hard time cleaning their room and it's always a power struggle give them a role to help with that job. 

So, if they think it's like their job like their career, they feel like they're a little adult, then they're going to be much more likely to listen to that task and respond. So, for example, if your child has a hard time eating dinner or coming to the table, then give them the job of meal helper and you can even make them a badge or a hat or an apron or something special put their picture on the wall and say, oh Charlie’s a male helper today, so Charlie’s going to help set the table and do this and do this. Giving them that adult role is going to help them feel way more involved. If your child has a hard time leaving the house it can be their job to start the car that day or open the garage that day. If your child has a hard time picking up then you can make them the garbage man and then it's their job to be the garbage man and they can use their little toy truck their wagon whatever they want to kind of be involved in that work. So, having a role is a huge way to be successful in helping your child do the things that you often have a power struggle with. So, your homework for this session is to offer two positive choices today in as many transitions as you can if this is successful for you come on here write it in the discussion, tell us how it went, and also if you use the ask questions routines and rituals or the role strategy, please comment let me know. I’m so excited for you guys to get through day one and to implement some of these strategies and I hope that it changes your life, like it has changed so many others.