Creating a Consent Culture with Rosalia Rivera

Welcome back to the XO parenting podcast today we have a special guest Rosalia joining us and she is from Consent Parenting which is such an important page and purpose and her goal is to empower parents and kids about abuse prevention. So, Rosalia tells us a little bit about you and your history how you got into this and we'll go from there.  

Rosalia is a…

• Consent educator

• Abuse prevention specialist.

• Sexual literacy advocate

• works specifically with parents who are survivors themselves and now want to start educating their kids because they want to break that cycle and so, I do that through providing tools resources education programs.

 I've decided recently that I actively want to work on creating a culture of consent in my home and family. If my kids don't like something they can say "I don't like it" and if the child doesn't respond then they can walk away and they don't have to feel any guilt about what that other child's feeling because it's okay to you know to create this space and have a break.

I think a lot of parents don't know how to help their children develop boundaries. They don't you know even talk to their children about being okay with accepting no as an answer. And that's you know important for us when we're teaching about consent and what consent is really understanding the concept of body autonomy.

Body Autonomy:

My body belongs to me I get to do what I want with it and no one can tell me what to do with it

and you know that that trips up a lot of parents too because then they're like well what if you know they need to do these things that you know our health and safety whatever that's a different conversation that's health and safety but when we're talking about things that aren't and we want to help them foster a good healthy sense of autonomy and then from there which is you know that's the foundation of consent is really knowing that you have body rights as you get older you start to understand that you also have all kinds of other rights you know and other kinds of boundaries but starting with that foundation is what consent is about understanding you have that right and then from there you build on understanding the concept of boundaries and personal space right and understanding that you have the right to have your boundaries respected and that you also need to respect the boundaries of others. Right?

So, that adds to that concept of what consent is about consent at the end of it which is the third piece of this is the request is the asking of the permission may I do this with you or to you right so when we're talking about that in our home instead of telling your child go brush your teeth which is a command. We are asking them would you go brush your teeth please right and it seems like such a minor shift but when you start adding up all the times that you tell your child what to do instead of asking them. And creating this space for them to say no I don't want to do that and then making the room for the conversation to say well let's talk about that. Right? Let's talk about why you don't want to go brush your teeth right and making it a conversation instead of this like you have to do what I say because I’m the adult here and you know basically you are my property when I get to tell you what to do. 

So, it's a really big shift in understanding our children's autonomy their boundaries helping them foster that and then getting them to understand that they have a right and a voice to speak up and say no to something that has to do with their autonomy

So, when we start to make these little shifts in our home that's how we start to create a consent culture we start to allow them to have a voice which you know a lot if we didn't grow up with that I certainly didn't. You know I was told what to do and I think most parents believe that that's the right way you know children have to listen and obey authority but that also sets them up for grooming that sets them up for the abuse of a predator.

So, we have to really understand what we're how we are raising our children has a lot to do with their vulnerabilities in the world versus them being able to stand up for their rights versus knowing how to develop implement and uphold those boundaries and rights. 

So, that when they become you know young adults they are out in the world knowing how to respect other people's rights and also how to have their rights respected. So, it's not just about abuse prevention in the moment when they're young although obviously, that's very important, but it's long-term.

So, this is a long-term parenting shift that we have to make and when we start to create that consent culture in our home. We also then extend it out to our families to our communities to our schools like wherever our kids are interacting with other adults.

We can speak up for them on their behalf and you know as we're teaching them we're also advocating for them and letting other people know about what we're doing the kind of culture of consent that we're creating in our home. So, that everybody knows you know this family is empowered and they're not to be messed with right. So, that's what you know what I mean when I talk about creating consent culture.

Let's talk about like setting boundaries with like the adults like grandparents stuff like that when they want to give hugs or kisses or you know tickles or whatever. 

Yeah, that's funny because that comes up constantly and you know it's one thing for us to teach our kids right but then it's like the adults in our lives sometimes don't want to respect that or they're dismissive of the way that we're doing this and so it's important that we're preemptive that we can have these conversations with them ahead of time and say look we're starting to practice this in our home. This is what it means this is how we're practicing it we would love for you to be an ally you know so, that it's like we're calling them in instead of calling them out and it really shifts the way that they will receive the information and you'll still get people who are resistant who are just like oh that's too permissive or you're being too you know you're spoiling them or whatever. I think that teaching children about their rights is absolutely not spoiling you know but you'll get resistance at times and you just have to remind yourself that you are doing the job of being your child's defense system, you're in charge of protecting them above everything right. 

And so, a lot of times you know when we're talking to people particularly something like a grandparent maybe you have a mom who's just like oh that's ridiculous like why shouldn't they be able to give you know I should be able to give them a hug. Well, there are so many reasons why that could set them up for like I said before like for grooming right predators to want to be able to have parents who are permissive because that you know breaks down the boundaries for a child too. So, when we phrase it like that too far for those adults it's like we are really trying to instill this sense of autonomy because we want to make sure that no one can take advantage of it we're not saying that you're going to take advantage of it we're just saying that we don't want them to you know have that as the default that they think it's okay for someone who loves them. Because a lot of people think it's strangers that are the danger and it's not it's 90 of abuse happens at the hands of uh people that are you know that that the child knows that the family knows that they trust and 30 of that is family and a lot of times what happens is that you know it's people that you've known your whole life and you would never suspect and the child would never suspect and so this grooming process happens over time. So, if we are just allowing family to you know hug and kiss whenever they want we're teaching children a lot of lessons about permissiveness that then we're trying to counteract and we're giving kids mixed messages they're not getting a consistent message of what is okay and not okay. 

So, it's hard sometimes to have these sort of confrontational because sometimes it will feel like it's confrontational but you have to just remind yourself that this is for the benefit of your child you know to make sure that they have all of their abilities to speak up and to have you know a say about their body if they don't practice that with you and with those family members then they don't get that practice to be able to do it when it's really needed you know. So, we have to make sure that we are including our family in this process and getting them to respect it. So, have the conversations ahead of time sometimes people are like you know they come over and then you feel like oh I’ve got to tell them now and it's awkward but if you can preempt it beforehand then it helps and that's one of the reasons I had created consent letters which is something that I offer in my programs which are these communication tools for that you know. So, for people particularly survivors who may not like to feel comfortable with having that conversation you know offering a letter that explains that and breaks it down helps them to have that conversation with a lot more ease and less confrontation so, yeah. 

I think that's so important too and it's not like we're saying oh yeah no our kids will never hug or kiss their grandparents it's that we're giving our kids the choice to hug or kiss their grandparents.

So, we're not like I feel like a lot of grandparents who take it defensively are like oh they should always kiss me or always hug me but it's not that we don't want them to hug or kiss or whatever I mean sometimes with corona maybe we don't want them to kiss dad still kisses his mom on the lips and I’m like eew. But anyway so, what I do usually and just say hey do you want to hug grandpa and my son will say yes or no and then he decides if he wants to have a grandpa and sometimes he doesn't but my kid’s grandparents are so good about it. My grandma his grandpa will be like it's okay you don't have to hug me I’m like okay good let's go you know like it's awesome. So, I think a big part of it too is like when I was growing up we hugged our great grandparents every time, but we only saw them like once every two years or something and my great-grandma would just like enfold us in a hug and I felt like I couldn't breathe and I felt so uncomfortable every time she hugged me and I feel like part of that is like our like we just have this expectation you should hug you should kiss you should do these things, but part of it for me is like, if the relationship isn't there, then I don't want to hug that person. I’m not a hugger. So, if the relationship isn't there it's that's what it is yeah and so if like our kids don't have a relationship with our grandparents but they're forced to hug them that feels inauthentic and awkward. So, I think part of that conversation maybe is to like you want them to hug you right or you want them to feel loved and maybe that you don't even care if they hug you but like let's work on the relationship here just like worry about you know forcing hugs or whatever. 

Yeah, the other thing too just quickly I wanted to point out is that to your point earlier that it's important those kids know that they are not responsible for the emotions of others. So, particularly for adults I see a lot of times that you know adults will almost like they'll respond like with sadness or and that's almost like a form of coercion you know I know people think that that sounds extreme but really what it comes down to is that that person is acting hurt and children are so empathetic that they don't want someone to feel bad right. So, then they feel guilty that they should you know give affection and is that really what we want to be teaching kids right do we want them to feel like they have to give affection even against their own desire just to make someone else feel good. I certainly don't want to perpetuate that you know. 

So, I think that that's also something that is an important conversation when you're having it with you know someone like a grandparent who may be like oh you know I’m going to they make a sad face and then the child feels bad and it's like well I guess I should you know give grandma a hug so sometimes that conversation is necessary too and just to remind the childlike if someone looks sad about it like you know unfortunately you know that's just how they feel. I’m sure that they'll be fine they're grown up, right? Like grown-ups should not be requesting that they get they are made to feel better by a child right. It just sets up the wrong precedent so that's something also that's important to talk about with those adults if you know that that's their propensity to like you know kind of guilt-trip a child. So, I just wanted to add that in. 

Yeah, that's an important piece, and also too like part of this is figuring out our own emotions and like if our kids don't want to hug us. We need to be okay with that and not you know guilt-trip them ourselves. So, it's building our own emotional maturity so that we can help teach our kids this emotional maturity that a lot of us weren't raised with and so we're kind of re-parenting ourselves while we're parenting our child. Okay. So, are there any like key phrases or things like work on with our kids that we can kind of create you know a way for them to have boundaries at school or with neighbors or something like that. 

 how can we work on this with our kids?

“What if” game

Yeah, so you know books are really great tools to help kids develop language right. So, I always recommend that you have some tools at home like that but even just having like I said practicing at home with them yourself you know so it what would you say you know like having a conversation of the what if game right.

“What if you know your friend came over and wanted to hug you and you didn't want to be hugged like what would you say and trying to get them to come up with it themselves because it's more powerful for kids when they think of the answer and they'll have a higher chance of remembering like what to do or say if that situation happens right versus us just telling them okay this is what you should say or do. You certainly can guide them you certainly can give them prompts you can you know give them some additional tools and like I said books are great for that but letting them figure out well what would I want to say to my friend right or what would I want like what if my teacher makes me feel unsafe what would I you know say to someone else or to them right. 

So, creating scenarios that you know are possibilities in your child's life you know ever I don't want to give you scripts because everybody is so different everyone has such different situations in different age groups. But even for a little kid who is three or four years old you know setting them up with some language either by modeling it yourself or teaching them. So, for example, if you know that you know a friend or a you know family friend is coming over or a relative is coming over and you can let them know ahead of time. So, just to remind you like you know so-and-so is probably going to ask for a hug or they're going to want a hug and if they just go in for one you are allowed to say no. So, what would you say if you don't want to hug what options do you want to give them if you'd rather do something else instead of a hug or a kiss? Right? 

So, giving them some what-if scenarios really helps them to think about well you know if you're right if I this is my boundary and if I don't feel like hugging what can I say and it just starts to create that practice so doing that often you know whatever scenarios if you're going to the doctor's office or if you're going to you know school or a daycare or whatever scenario just practicing it ahead of time to give them some things and without making it scary you know without saying like someone could do something it's like. No, let's just practice your ability to voice your rights. Right. because you have the right to say that and so you just keep reminding them about the fact that they have these rights that's really empowering for them and then to give them those tools that language really helps so definitely use books you know if depending on the age group that is going to really help you to give them the language that they can start to use. 

When it comes to health and safety like how do you address that?

Yeah, so with health and safety you know you have to again it's just a conversation of we're going to the doctor this is one of those few times you know one of the very few exceptions where we have to do this thing right and this is why and giving them as much information about it as possible so that they understand right. So, it's not just we have to do this too bad it's like we have to do this because xyz. This is how they're going to do it. This is why they're going to do it and then letting them know you know preempt them ahead of I always say like if you're going to do any kind of medical procedure that is necessary to have that conversation with them uh role play it this is how it's going to go probably like you know but still I mean I still again with the consent letters I have a consent letter for the doctor's office where the doctor even though they're going to do this they still need to give them information. 

So, it has to be informed why are they doing it what are they doing how they're going to do it because this continues to set them up for that. Their expectation becomes this is how you know any figure of authority needs to interact with me it's still ultimately my body I know this is one exception and I’ve talked to my mom about why the doctor has explained to me you know. So, they feel involved and they still feel like their rights are still being respected even though as a parent you have those situations where it's a health and safety reason and you just you know clarify that ahead of time. I know it's a little bit harder for young kids to understand that but you know they do understand intention. So, if you can just give them that heads up and you know again repeat it when you're at the doctor's office it you know it buffers it a little bit. So, that it doesn't seem like wait a minute you told me this one thing and now you're doing this other. So, it really you know comes back down to communication. 

 Check our Rosalia’s page for the consent letters!

This is my passion is really to help parents navigate these kinds of conversations. So, I do have different ways that people can access that I mean I give tons of information on Facebook. I’m there once a week doing lives talking about typically current events and how it relates to how we parent and consent culture on Instagram. I also do q a's and I’m there always putting out content to help you know give some guidance and then you know. If parents want to work with me more directly I have a membership which is going to be opening its doors again in October but I also have now a subscription suite which is where if someone wants to dive into all of the workshops that I’ve done and it's self-paced doesn't have any of the like one-on-one coaching components of it but it's sort of just like here you go dive into the content. That's also now available anytime so that's something that a lot of people are starting to do and sort of an introduction to the work as well. So, I’m excited for that option that people have been asking for it's now available so yeah if anybody's interested in you know how to access any of that you can go to consentparenting.com. 

Find Rosalia

consentparenting.com
@consentparenting on IG + FB