Listening to Babies: Physical vs. Emotional Crying and The Bonding Cycle
When I was in my last semester of my undergrad, my husband surprised me by getting me a ticket to Portland to get certified as an Infant Massage Instructor through IAIM. I taught a handful of classes over the years, but more than anything this class has given me invaluable perspectives and strategies to help with my own babies.
I personally LOVE the newborn and baby stage. And am so excited to welcome baby #3 into the family. As I’m nesting and getting ready, I felt it important to share two of the main things I learned from becoming an infant massage instructor about babies crying and spoiling babies.
Also, if you want to do infant massage with your baby, at the end of this blog, I’ll direct you to some safe sources.
Listening to Babies
Sometimes babies cry for physical reasons. And we meet those needs. If they cry for an emotional reason, there are many ways to approach this.
“Listening to Babies”
Written by Vimala McClure, founder of International Association of Infant Massage
‘Imagine you have been through a very traumatic experience, something that really disturbed you deeply. You feel yourself on the verge of tears and unable to relax or concentrate, and you go to your spouse or friend for help. You begin to talk about what happened to you and how you’re feeling about it.
After a moment of sympathy your friend begins to shush you, saying, "There there, never mind. Please don´t cry. I can´t stand it when you cry. Come on, smile for me now. Let me get you something to eat. Maybe you should go to a doctor." You will probably dry your tears and internalize your pain in order to preserve this relationship and because your friend's responses have told you it is not safe to be yourself in her presence.
Now imagine yourself in the same situation, with a different response from your friend. You begin to talk about what happened to you and how you are feeling about it. Your friend looks at you eye-to eye. She leans forward and holds your hand. “I am here for you, tell me about it. I can see you’re really hurting, and I want you to know that I love you and I want to help you through this.”
She puts her arm around you and you relax into deep sobs in the safety of her presence. You ramble on, sometime incoherently, and she’s saying, “Tell me more. And then what happened? That must have been so painful for you.” You feel her genuine support and that trust enables you to really unload and, finally, come back to your center again. Your relationship with her is stronger; she feels good for having been there for you, and you are better able to go on toward healthy functioning.´
When a baby cries for physical reason something needs to be actively done about the cry. If the cry is for emotional reason there are different ways to approach this. Within her article Vimala suggests a three steps process which is only one of several approaches.
1. Take a long, slow, deep breath and relax.
2. Clear all thoughts.
3. Connect with the baby, eye to eye if possible.
If baby avoids eye contact, place your hands gently but firmly on your baby’s body and make a connection through your hands saying that you would like to hear what they have to say.
Stay with your baby, be relaxed and receptive whilst listening and observing their body language. Watch your baby’s mouth and eyes. When you are sure that your baby feels heard and has said most that was needed to be said then offer your comfort by rocking, walking, or patting to help get organized again. Invariably, a baby who feels heard will sleep more deeply afterward and will trust.
Stay with your baby, be relaxed and receptive whilst listening and observing their body language. Watch your baby’s mouth and eyes. When you are sure that your baby feels heard and had said most of what was needed to be said then offer your comfort by rocking, walking, or patting to help get organize again. Invariably, a baby who feels heard will sleep more deeply afterward and trust.
When we truly listen to our infants we are fulfilling all of their psychological needs. The underlying message is, “You are worthy of respect. You are valuable just the way you are.” The baby is driven to agree and grows in confidence, feeling a place in the world. The baby’s sensory receptors take this message in and the whole body relaxes. Vimala ends with:
‘The chalice of this infant’s heart is filled to overflowing, and as she grows she will seek opportunities to share her love with others. And how will she do this? By following the model she has been given. She will be there for others in the way her caregivers have been there for her. What a lovely, healthy cycle.’
A couple of things that stand out to me here are very emotionally intelligent RESPONSES to infant crying, not reactions. It is easy to feel overwhelmed and triggered by constant crying. When we realize that 1. there are emotional reasons babies cry and 2. we can accept help — this can be easier to deal with.
I really like how Vimala talks about LISTENING to the baby. Instead of shh-ing the baby or rocking them out of their crying, she says, LISTEN to the baby. And when the baby has said all that she needs to say, you can rock and comfort. I think we don’t even realize that listening and sitting with hard emotions is part of accepting them! AH! My EQ is rising as I type this. I’m so excited to share even more on Emotional Intelligence with older kids next week.
We may not be able to change the situation we are in, but we can change the way we respond to it. We can make a choice. - Victor Frankel
Bonding Cycle
Bonding is a life-long reciprocal process that happens between the parent and infant. We want to create bonds with our infants to form strong attachments. Attachments happen at a cellular level and influence and organize motivational, emotional, and memory processes with respect to primary caregiving.
The graphic below describes the bonding process. When an infant cries, and we meet their need, we consistently are helping them develop trust. This cycle repeats all day long. As we meet our baby’s needs all day long, we bond and bond and bond.
The infant develops a trust that her parents will care for her and protect her. The cycle is repeated thousands of times in the first two years of an infant’s life, forming the foundation of every other developmental task of human life.
Failure to complete the bonding cycle leads to serious problems and lifelong implications.
It is most important to remember that infants do not have any concept of time… so trying to delay gratification will break the cycle and create attachment issues. They may stop crying, but it’s not because they no longer have a need, it’s because they no longer trust it will be met.
You are doing AMAZING at raising your infant. But knowing this information will also help you to discern between parenting practices that try to tell you you are spoiling your baby so you need to do X, Y, Z. You can hold your baby all day long. You can sleep with your baby. You can nurse your baby to sleep. Practice safety, but also know you CANNOT spoil your baby.