How to Validate Kid's Emotions (even when irrational)
I was having lunch with friends, and the conversation came up. Kids emotions. You know you’re a mom when this is your lunch convo… amIright?
How can I validate my kid's emotions when they are sooo irrational?
Remember validation does not mean you agree
we all have different perspectives and experiences
validation is understanding that THEY feel that way & allowing them to feel it
Try: I can see this is hard for you. Do you need a break?
Try: You are feeling scared of all the people. Wanna hold my hand?
We are making space for the emotion by giving them a safe space to feel.
Validation doesn’t often come naturally, especially if we were raised to push away feelings… we don’t have much practice with TRUE validation.
So I thought I’d put together three ways to validate emotions.
Reflect
Seek clarification
Normalize
Reflect
Reflect back on what your child said or repeat what happened. For example, if your child starts getting emotional, “I don’t want to go!” You might usually say, well we have to pick up your sister cuz we are going to be late blah blah blah LOGIC. They aren’t in a logical place to we need to go EMOTIONAL.
Instead, simply reflect back on what you see/hear. “It sounds like you don’t want to leave”
VALIDATION BABY STEP. Woohoo.
Sometimes our kids will say things we don’t necessarily want to repeat back, for example, “I hate you!” Or my personal favorite when I was a preschool teacher, “you’re EEEEETHIL” (the v sound was th, and I about died trying to not laugh).
Instead simply reflect, “It looks like you need some space from me for a minute.”
The goal here is showing them, I see you, I hear you.
Seek Clarification
Ask questions and make sure you understand what the person intended.
Maybe your daughter came home from school and said, this girl was soooo mean today. And your initial reaction might be “I’m sure she didn’t mean to be” (INVALIDATING) or “Wow, I’m gonna call her mother” (NOT HELPFUL IN HELPING HER PROBLEM SOLVE).
Instead, ask clarifying questions. Show you want to HEAR her and understand what happened. “What happened?” “How can I help?” “Did that help you feel better” “How did she respond??”
Normalize
Communicate what the person is feeling makes sense based on their experience - and others in their situation may also feel this way.
It might be too simple… just try to put yourself in their shoes to relate with how you’d respond. If that doesn’t work cuz you’d respond differently. You can share an experience someone you are close to went through.
My sister’s kid has debilitating anxiety. When my friend brought up her son’s debilitating anxiety and the struggles she’s encountered. I didn’t have personal experience, but I could still normalize her experience by saying, “it really is so hard, my sister had to carry her daughter in and leave her crying so many times.”
That person feels heard and seen.
Validation does not mean you have to agree.
Validation is a response that shows you accept another person’s feelings and point of view, even if you don’t agree.
Validation communicates
You believe their experience and emotions are valid
You don’t intend to correct, minimize, change or dismiss their feelings
Dismissive comments will communicate to your child that the way they're feeling is wrong. And hurts your relationship.
An empathetic non-judgemental response will communicate...
...that you hear your child and understand why they feel the way they do.
It strengthens your relationship.
"If empathy does not seem to by 'working' ask yourself, 'Am I truly feeling empathy for my child or just trying to express empathy in order to get them to calm down?' Children can tell the difference."
J. Milburn
VALIDATION is so important, but we still need to make sure we SET + HOLD BOUNDARIES. How do we do that while accepting all feelings?